Days 21 thru 25 .... Yes it's over.
Perfect song for my food addiction:
"Yes it's over, call it a day. Sorry that we had to end this way. No reason to pretend, we knew it had to end someday this way...."
It's over. I don't need it anymore. It's not because I went and did a raw living foods program... I mean that's part of it, this process certainly has helped me to understand what it means to nurture and care for this body. It' my mind that no longer needs to stuff myself silly though.
It's been 25 days since I've used food as a coping mechanism. I'm talking 25 days without torture that is. Oh sure, I've white knuckled it hundreds of times in my life, no joke. But it's been 25 days of not white knuckling it. No torture regarding food.
I've had years upon years of yo-yo dieting. Years upon years of deciding one night that I will try a new diet and feeling the absolute high of the fantasy of "getting thin". FINALLY looking in a way that will have someone love me. The fantasy that the body is what makes me lovable, the body is what gives me my worth, my value. Getting high off the thought "Tomorrow I start the Cambridge Diet" or "Tomorrow I start Atkins" or "Tomorrow I will sign up for weight watchers" and then because the thoughts "I am not good enough and this will make me valuable" was driving these diets, I always inevitably failed, always. I mean wouldn't you? If someone bullied you into a corner and told you that unless you looked a certain way or acted a certain way you would be scorned and turned against and you would have no love, wouldn't you rebel? Say "fuck you!" and do the opposite? Or maybe vacillate between conforming and rebelling. Well, this is what I did in the face of me bullying myself. I rebelled I finally said NO! and gained 150 pounds. I remember the day I promised myself I would not diet again. The day I promised myself that unless the lifestyle changed naturally I would never again force myself to be thin or lose weight just because it would make me lovable.
It was May 2005. Five years ago. I was destitute and depressed and at an all time low. I was at the end of a nasty, grueling child custody battle over my son. And that was the tip of the iceberg. I was beat up, torn down and spit out. I thought all the abuse was coming from outside of me, I hadn't realized yet that it was I that did the majority of battering to 'yours truly'. Fighting for my worth which eventually led to fighting for my son. This was one of the most destructive and painful periods of my life, and believe me, I've had several periods like this and this was the toughest. I was living between Boston and the Berkshires. Driving several times in a week back and forth to be with my son while attempting to make a life for us in an area that I wanted to be, the city. Although the Berkshires are beautiful, they are not home to me. Never have been, and up til this point ... they still do not feel like home. I am a city girl at heart and this has not seemed to change for me as of yet. I don't expect it to, but who knows.
I was at the place that I rented for Jonah and me. Jonah was sleeping soundly and I sat in the living room on the phone with a friend sobbing. "I won't do it anymore! I would rather go to my grave fat than bully myself into losing one more pound because I think I'm worthless like this. I won't do it." I continued... "It doesn't work. It's not about this body, it's about how I am thinking about life and there has to be a better way! This body is a reflection of what I think about myself... it's a direct mirror and I need to begin to really look at what I am thinking about life, about myself. Losing weight is like drinking or eating... it doesn't work when ego driven. I'm done." And I was. I never dieted again. I did not gain anymore weight and over the last five years naturally lost 26 lbs. I know that doesn't sound like much, but considering all I did was work on my thoughts about life, it's a sort of miracle. I did attempt to change my lifestyle last summer with a cooked foods program, but I white knuckled it so therefore stopped doing it. I went back and forth, eating like a mad women, calming down. Eating like a madwoman, calming down. And then, diabetes.
I am grateful for this body. I am so glad I got fat. I am so glad this body was diabetic. It forced me into self love and appreciation. It forced me to turn to God/Life/The Universe. It forced me into learning to love myself exactly as I am. And I do. I am not saying that I do not have this mind to question still. As a matter of fact coming home and doing the last five days of the program from my house has been quite a journey. I have noticed that I feel so empty. Literally empty. I am not relying on my taste buds to get me through a day of uninvestigated thoughts. I have not white knuckled fending off food for one second. Not once. I have had a couple of moments where I see an advertisement with fat, greasy, sugar laden foods or been at the movies and seen people feasting on my old alibi and found myself salivating. However, even though I "thought" to myself "I want that" I didn't believe it this time. I remembered that I didn't eat just for pleasure.. once I ate that piece of grease, I didn't stop and ate myself into blood sugar readings of nearly 400. Being at the Creative Health Institute changed all that for me. My mind was ready though. It was not a second too soon. I was ready to live without my drug. I questioned myself back into integrity. And my body is now following.
Do not misinterpret my message here. The transformation that is happening to me. The one I am going through right before your very eyes IS NOT ABOUT THIS BODY. Even though the body has been my catalyst. It has not been the focus. One and a half weeks into this program, when my body was on the mend, I felt NO DIFFERENT than when I was home stuffing my face. NO DIFFERENCE. It was not until I noticed this and began investigating why that I started to feel better. I went through the thoughts and emotions of deep disappointment that this journey had nothing to do with this body. That even though the body was getting what it needed and transforming before my eyes it did not guarantee that I was free and feeling great. I was about to become a skinny miserable lunatic instead of a fat one. Except for the fact that I had been questioning the bejesus out of my mind and continued to do my work during this intense changing of lifestyles. And now here I am.
I'm at home in my mind. And even though I am seeing that the Berkshires are still not for me. Even though I am seeing the holes in my life where I ate instead of pursued my dreams. Even though I am seeing where I wasted my energy on trying to persuade the people who didn't like me, to like me and then stuffed my face to comfort myself. To push down all the rage and disappointment. Even though I am seeing all this vast nothingness inside of me, I do not need to eat over it one more second. It's over. I can sit with myself. I will not abandon myself. And when I do, I will come back to myself. I do not need ice cream to accompany my tears anymore. And I certainly do not need diabetes or a stroke or heart attack to get my attention that something is off in my mind. I mean those things may happen again to me, I can't predict the future, I can't save my life, this body will die someday, that's what I have signed on for here, but I am clear that I am integrity now and when the body goes -as far as I can see- it won't be because I overdosed on big macs and french fries. And if I do, I will welcome it. Because now I know that I am not this body.
I cannot predict the future. I just cannot know what is next. I pretend like I do sometimes and believe it, but I don't and that's the truth. Being at home has been more challenging as far as fitting in my whole program. In Michigan, I got everything done for me. The schedule was in place the wheatgrass was juiced, the rebounders were laid out. Here, I have to do it. I have not succeeded in doing it all just yet. Still trying to get it in place, however I have done at least a few of things I need to do every day and I have no doubt I will get it all in place. I am patient. Where do I have to be other than right here? Now. I have been 100% living raw. It is working for this body right now. I will continue for the next six months and re-evaluate. I will see where I am at. I will be patient in my healing journey. My process is my process ... period. I have all the time in the world for me.
One moment at a time. One moment at a time. One moment at a time. I persevere. Clear that for some reason the old thinking around food is becoming a faint memory. An old friend. A bridge to Truth.
End of program results:
Weight loss: 27 pounds.
Blood Sugar: 100 in the morning 84 in the evening, no medication. (from over 300 on medication)
Candida: 5/6 (from an 8/9)
Ph: 6.1 (from a 5.2)
GERD (Gastro esophageal reflux disorder) GONE! Off medication now for 3 weeks was on this medication (protonix) for 12 years.
Off all my medication (Louvaza, protonix, glyboride) except for levoxyl for thyroid.
Will get my blood tests done again at the end of September. Will keep you posted.
One moment at a time...
Love xoxoxo Steph
"Yes it's over, call it a day. Sorry that we had to end this way. No reason to pretend, we knew it had to end someday this way...."
It's over. I don't need it anymore. It's not because I went and did a raw living foods program... I mean that's part of it, this process certainly has helped me to understand what it means to nurture and care for this body. It' my mind that no longer needs to stuff myself silly though.
It's been 25 days since I've used food as a coping mechanism. I'm talking 25 days without torture that is. Oh sure, I've white knuckled it hundreds of times in my life, no joke. But it's been 25 days of not white knuckling it. No torture regarding food.
I've had years upon years of yo-yo dieting. Years upon years of deciding one night that I will try a new diet and feeling the absolute high of the fantasy of "getting thin". FINALLY looking in a way that will have someone love me. The fantasy that the body is what makes me lovable, the body is what gives me my worth, my value. Getting high off the thought "Tomorrow I start the Cambridge Diet" or "Tomorrow I start Atkins" or "Tomorrow I will sign up for weight watchers" and then because the thoughts "I am not good enough and this will make me valuable" was driving these diets, I always inevitably failed, always. I mean wouldn't you? If someone bullied you into a corner and told you that unless you looked a certain way or acted a certain way you would be scorned and turned against and you would have no love, wouldn't you rebel? Say "fuck you!" and do the opposite? Or maybe vacillate between conforming and rebelling. Well, this is what I did in the face of me bullying myself. I rebelled I finally said NO! and gained 150 pounds. I remember the day I promised myself I would not diet again. The day I promised myself that unless the lifestyle changed naturally I would never again force myself to be thin or lose weight just because it would make me lovable.
It was May 2005. Five years ago. I was destitute and depressed and at an all time low. I was at the end of a nasty, grueling child custody battle over my son. And that was the tip of the iceberg. I was beat up, torn down and spit out. I thought all the abuse was coming from outside of me, I hadn't realized yet that it was I that did the majority of battering to 'yours truly'. Fighting for my worth which eventually led to fighting for my son. This was one of the most destructive and painful periods of my life, and believe me, I've had several periods like this and this was the toughest. I was living between Boston and the Berkshires. Driving several times in a week back and forth to be with my son while attempting to make a life for us in an area that I wanted to be, the city. Although the Berkshires are beautiful, they are not home to me. Never have been, and up til this point ... they still do not feel like home. I am a city girl at heart and this has not seemed to change for me as of yet. I don't expect it to, but who knows.
I was at the place that I rented for Jonah and me. Jonah was sleeping soundly and I sat in the living room on the phone with a friend sobbing. "I won't do it anymore! I would rather go to my grave fat than bully myself into losing one more pound because I think I'm worthless like this. I won't do it." I continued... "It doesn't work. It's not about this body, it's about how I am thinking about life and there has to be a better way! This body is a reflection of what I think about myself... it's a direct mirror and I need to begin to really look at what I am thinking about life, about myself. Losing weight is like drinking or eating... it doesn't work when ego driven. I'm done." And I was. I never dieted again. I did not gain anymore weight and over the last five years naturally lost 26 lbs. I know that doesn't sound like much, but considering all I did was work on my thoughts about life, it's a sort of miracle. I did attempt to change my lifestyle last summer with a cooked foods program, but I white knuckled it so therefore stopped doing it. I went back and forth, eating like a mad women, calming down. Eating like a madwoman, calming down. And then, diabetes.
I am grateful for this body. I am so glad I got fat. I am so glad this body was diabetic. It forced me into self love and appreciation. It forced me to turn to God/Life/The Universe. It forced me into learning to love myself exactly as I am. And I do. I am not saying that I do not have this mind to question still. As a matter of fact coming home and doing the last five days of the program from my house has been quite a journey. I have noticed that I feel so empty. Literally empty. I am not relying on my taste buds to get me through a day of uninvestigated thoughts. I have not white knuckled fending off food for one second. Not once. I have had a couple of moments where I see an advertisement with fat, greasy, sugar laden foods or been at the movies and seen people feasting on my old alibi and found myself salivating. However, even though I "thought" to myself "I want that" I didn't believe it this time. I remembered that I didn't eat just for pleasure.. once I ate that piece of grease, I didn't stop and ate myself into blood sugar readings of nearly 400. Being at the Creative Health Institute changed all that for me. My mind was ready though. It was not a second too soon. I was ready to live without my drug. I questioned myself back into integrity. And my body is now following.
Do not misinterpret my message here. The transformation that is happening to me. The one I am going through right before your very eyes IS NOT ABOUT THIS BODY. Even though the body has been my catalyst. It has not been the focus. One and a half weeks into this program, when my body was on the mend, I felt NO DIFFERENT than when I was home stuffing my face. NO DIFFERENCE. It was not until I noticed this and began investigating why that I started to feel better. I went through the thoughts and emotions of deep disappointment that this journey had nothing to do with this body. That even though the body was getting what it needed and transforming before my eyes it did not guarantee that I was free and feeling great. I was about to become a skinny miserable lunatic instead of a fat one. Except for the fact that I had been questioning the bejesus out of my mind and continued to do my work during this intense changing of lifestyles. And now here I am.
I'm at home in my mind. And even though I am seeing that the Berkshires are still not for me. Even though I am seeing the holes in my life where I ate instead of pursued my dreams. Even though I am seeing where I wasted my energy on trying to persuade the people who didn't like me, to like me and then stuffed my face to comfort myself. To push down all the rage and disappointment. Even though I am seeing all this vast nothingness inside of me, I do not need to eat over it one more second. It's over. I can sit with myself. I will not abandon myself. And when I do, I will come back to myself. I do not need ice cream to accompany my tears anymore. And I certainly do not need diabetes or a stroke or heart attack to get my attention that something is off in my mind. I mean those things may happen again to me, I can't predict the future, I can't save my life, this body will die someday, that's what I have signed on for here, but I am clear that I am integrity now and when the body goes -as far as I can see- it won't be because I overdosed on big macs and french fries. And if I do, I will welcome it. Because now I know that I am not this body.
I cannot predict the future. I just cannot know what is next. I pretend like I do sometimes and believe it, but I don't and that's the truth. Being at home has been more challenging as far as fitting in my whole program. In Michigan, I got everything done for me. The schedule was in place the wheatgrass was juiced, the rebounders were laid out. Here, I have to do it. I have not succeeded in doing it all just yet. Still trying to get it in place, however I have done at least a few of things I need to do every day and I have no doubt I will get it all in place. I am patient. Where do I have to be other than right here? Now. I have been 100% living raw. It is working for this body right now. I will continue for the next six months and re-evaluate. I will see where I am at. I will be patient in my healing journey. My process is my process ... period. I have all the time in the world for me.
One moment at a time. One moment at a time. One moment at a time. I persevere. Clear that for some reason the old thinking around food is becoming a faint memory. An old friend. A bridge to Truth.
End of program results:
Weight loss: 27 pounds.
Blood Sugar: 100 in the morning 84 in the evening, no medication. (from over 300 on medication)
Candida: 5/6 (from an 8/9)
Ph: 6.1 (from a 5.2)
GERD (Gastro esophageal reflux disorder) GONE! Off medication now for 3 weeks was on this medication (protonix) for 12 years.
Off all my medication (Louvaza, protonix, glyboride) except for levoxyl for thyroid.
Will get my blood tests done again at the end of September. Will keep you posted.
One moment at a time...
Love xoxoxo Steph
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