Try... Try Again...

Well... getting back on the wagon wasn't as easy as I thought it would be today.  I got up, had my shake with blueberries and the intentions I had paved the road to hell!!  My son was chosen to shoot a music video by two film students.  My son is eleven and I went to watch.  It was a true joy.  I loved watching him in the creation of this life experience.  But between you and me, I found myself a little jealous.   I sat and watched as life just fell into place for him.  Both his father and I were there.  And while I became very still and present with my thoughts that were having me suffer, I thought "my life has fallen into place too, it just doesn't look the way you think it "should" look Stepharino".  That's right, while I was having my internal selfish temper tantrum, I realized that Jonah was born at the very perfect time and his life is unfolding in the very perfect way.. and if this is true, then so is mine.  I suppose that even though music is my first love, I wasn't suppose to shoot a music video at eleven.. how do I know? I didn't shoot one, that's how I know.  This may sound passive, but I am anything but passive, ask anyone who knows me. 

The thing is, I couldn't have known this without allowing myself to have the friggin' temper tantrum.  I judge the word "selfish" all the time, but guess what?  Sometimes I am.  And when I don't allow it, it snowballs and everything becomes personal, everything becomes about "me, me, me".  When I acknowledge my selfish ways and let my needy moments be okay and watch the temper tantrum as opposed to becoming it, it passes.  Today it didn't pass, because I woke up, put on my wonderfully fake smile and pretended I was okay with life and it was a big FAT (pardon the pun) lie!  I stuffed myself silly today.. with food and suffering thoughts and fake smiles and behind it all was the story that I am a loser.  And my future became all about losing so I ate and then went to sleep.

I must say, I still feel a bit wary.  I miss my drug tonight.. food.  I haven't missed it in a very long time, but tonight I wish I could eat whatever I want and have normal healthy test results.  Tonight I wish the truth was that gorging with fatty, sugary foods was the answer.  Shit.  I think it's time to Byron Katie myself.  I need to comfort this body, is that true?  I need to comfort this mind, is that true?  I need to feel good, is that true?  Why do I need to feel good?  What for?  So what if I dont' feel good, why am I on a non-stop search for the ultimate "feel good all the time every single minute" pill?  What if I feel bad and miserable and still eat well.  When I allow this, I usually end up feeling pretty good.  But I am tricked tonight by my own ego.  My ego is driving the boat right now.  I think I will just let this be okay tonight.  My big FAT egoic mind is in charge right now.  Can I let that be okay for the moment?  I think so, yes.

I am in all or nothing thinking.  I'm thinking that I should be a raw foodist starting tomorrow morning.  And until I get this right, I'm in "no holds barred" land as far as eating goes.  Black or white.  That's where my dark side always takes me.  That's when I know I'm not in my right mind ... I've morphed from Luke Skywalker to Darth Vader.. All or Nothing.  Well my friends.. (even though I don't have any friends on this blog (YET!)).. to my future friends ... I am going to sleep and in the morning I will try try again... To eat what I know is good for me and still feel whatever it is I feel.. then.. I will question it.  I will question all the crap that is having me suffer. 

Good night for now.  xoxox