Angry?
One of my very best gal pals called me this morning to tell me she read my blog and had some thoughts about it. This amazing woman and I have known each other since the tender age of nine. We met one Halloween evening when our father's (separately) took us out trick or treating and bumped into each other. As our Dad's were saying hello we looked at each other and were dressed exactly alike! We were dressed as grow up ladies.. tee hee. And quite stunning ones I might add. The next day at school she invited me to her house and we became inseparable. And to this day 34 years later, we are still very good friends. How lucky am I?
Well, the "con" about having great friends who know you is they call and tell you the truth... like it or not. She called and told me that I sounded angry. She was reading my blog and I sound angry to her. I was taken back a bit. Don't get me wrong I am a fiery red head who knows that sometimes anger is indeed what I feel. However, I haven't been feeling that while writing these blogs. I have been feeling transformative and introspective. I have been seeing the comedy about my deepest feelings and enjoying the writing process quite a bit. But you see, the people closest to us have sort of a sixth sense sometimes. They read through the "writing on the wall" so to speak. So I told her I would take a look at what she was saying. And indeed I did.
As I beeped at the old man who had just cut me off, I took a breath and remembered he was my equal and I should not judge his outrageous crazy ass oncoming dementia. After all, I'll be there someday too. Then when I yelled at the girl on the phone from Arizona Pizza because I had to go to the window to pick up my "curb side delivered" salad, I felt very justified. Why the hell do they call it "curbside" if I have to walk my lazy ass in to get it? Hello? Then when the raw foodist lady emailed me after I asked her to be my "raw foodist coach" and told me she would work with me if I was willing to get off the couch and exercise, I emailed her back. I told her that she being a former obese person should not assume that all fat people are sitting on the couch picking their noses.. I would go on and tell you more about what I said, but it's not pretty. You can't fake peace of mind. You can meditate every hour of the day, practice conscious communication. Incorporate Ahimsa (non-violence) into your life. And smile at every by passer you see and if you have unresolved thoughts and issues that your pissed off about, none of the forementioned will do didly squat! If you put a bandaid on a piece of shit it still stinks. Jou know what I mean baby???
After promising my good gal pal that I would take a look at what she was saying about my anger, these stories that accumulated during my day were humming in my ear. I thought.. "hmmm.. maybe my little halloween look alike is right". I let it seep in slowly, not liking who I was. Then I finally just let it in! Yes, I'm angry. I called her and said "YOU MIGHT BE ANGRY TOO IF YOU WERE ME." With all the love and compassion one has for a longtime friend she said.. "Yes, I would be. I promise you I was coming from complete understanding and compassion when I said it." That's what my friend said. She didn't get defensive. She told me that she and my other good friend, her husband, were awaiting my arrival in December and couldn't wait to see me. They live in Florida and I will be going down for a visit. I cannot wait either. I told her I knew, and I do know, she loves me. I'll say it again, how lucky am I?
Yes I am angry sometimes. Sometimes it's the best I've got. Most of the time I'm okay with it, but for the most part I hate that I haven't found peace of mind with this body yet. I don't want to wait until I'm thin to find it. That's the easy way to do things.. wait until I have what I want and then I'll be happy.. I want to learn that it isn't about this, because that is what I believe in my heart. I want to learn peace and happines while I'm fat!! Then I'll be golden and good to go if my body morphs again into something smaller.. imagine that???
Now anyone who is fit or hot or thin or gets to completely rely on their physical perfection in this life to get what they want... or anyone who has never had a weight or food problem might argue that I am trying to make it not "about this" because I have to deal with not being "hollywood" like right now. I know that argument, I was there, I was thin, young and stunning once too you know. But it's bullshit. There is life beyond the body. There is life beyond being the most beautiful. I mean don't get me wrong when I was watching my recorded T.V. show "My Antonio" tonight with Antonio Sabato Jr. and drooling as I fantasized about eating whip cream out of his dimples I was bought into body 100%. When I found myself rewinding the scene where he was taking his shirt off and looking shy as he did it, I thought I was going to need a defibrilator to shock my heart into beating again because it had surely stopped. So I get it, I too sometimes believe that my salvation depends on prince charming to come rescue me and he better be good looking and have muscles! And granted it doesn't always take much to snap me into drooling over a stunning rugged testosterone infested man. It's a lie though. I've had many prince charmings. I've been 120 lbs. I've lured many beautiful men into my bed and thought it was the answer to my suffering, happiness at last! And yet here I am!! The divorce rate in this country has surpassed 50%. People cheat on each other all the time! Especially in HOLLYWOOD where all the perfect people live!!! We get into relationship with perfect bodies and then quickly become disillusioned because, well... come on, it's not the answer! Some people are lucky enough to work through the disillusionment and grow from it, but it's not easy to face ourselves and let go of this bullshit lie, ask the - over 50% divorcees - I'm yelling at myself of course and not you. Well, you.. but there's no one else in the room,right!?
Well, once again. I'm determined. I'm going to Byron Katie this one til' I'm blue in the face. I talk with Tom tomorrow night and we're going to dive head first into the fat and body issue. I'll let you know how it goes.
Until then.. here's to good friends who mirror the deepest part of ourselves. Here's to childhood connections, growing up together letting go of old dreams and creating new ones with each other as our witness'. Here's to love and laughter and anger and any other feeling for they all deserve to have a life.
Here's to a world that looks through the physical and see's only the soul. And with this vision here's to every single form of life on this planet being healed because of our new sight. I know it starts with me. You are beautiful just as you are my friend.. whoever you are, wherever you are.
Here's to you whoever is reading this...
Shoot me a comment if you're reading. I'd love to know someone is with me.
Love, Steph
Well, the "con" about having great friends who know you is they call and tell you the truth... like it or not. She called and told me that I sounded angry. She was reading my blog and I sound angry to her. I was taken back a bit. Don't get me wrong I am a fiery red head who knows that sometimes anger is indeed what I feel. However, I haven't been feeling that while writing these blogs. I have been feeling transformative and introspective. I have been seeing the comedy about my deepest feelings and enjoying the writing process quite a bit. But you see, the people closest to us have sort of a sixth sense sometimes. They read through the "writing on the wall" so to speak. So I told her I would take a look at what she was saying. And indeed I did.
As I beeped at the old man who had just cut me off, I took a breath and remembered he was my equal and I should not judge his outrageous crazy ass oncoming dementia. After all, I'll be there someday too. Then when I yelled at the girl on the phone from Arizona Pizza because I had to go to the window to pick up my "curb side delivered" salad, I felt very justified. Why the hell do they call it "curbside" if I have to walk my lazy ass in to get it? Hello? Then when the raw foodist lady emailed me after I asked her to be my "raw foodist coach" and told me she would work with me if I was willing to get off the couch and exercise, I emailed her back. I told her that she being a former obese person should not assume that all fat people are sitting on the couch picking their noses.. I would go on and tell you more about what I said, but it's not pretty. You can't fake peace of mind. You can meditate every hour of the day, practice conscious communication. Incorporate Ahimsa (non-violence) into your life. And smile at every by passer you see and if you have unresolved thoughts and issues that your pissed off about, none of the forementioned will do didly squat! If you put a bandaid on a piece of shit it still stinks. Jou know what I mean baby???
After promising my good gal pal that I would take a look at what she was saying about my anger, these stories that accumulated during my day were humming in my ear. I thought.. "hmmm.. maybe my little halloween look alike is right". I let it seep in slowly, not liking who I was. Then I finally just let it in! Yes, I'm angry. I called her and said "YOU MIGHT BE ANGRY TOO IF YOU WERE ME." With all the love and compassion one has for a longtime friend she said.. "Yes, I would be. I promise you I was coming from complete understanding and compassion when I said it." That's what my friend said. She didn't get defensive. She told me that she and my other good friend, her husband, were awaiting my arrival in December and couldn't wait to see me. They live in Florida and I will be going down for a visit. I cannot wait either. I told her I knew, and I do know, she loves me. I'll say it again, how lucky am I?
Yes I am angry sometimes. Sometimes it's the best I've got. Most of the time I'm okay with it, but for the most part I hate that I haven't found peace of mind with this body yet. I don't want to wait until I'm thin to find it. That's the easy way to do things.. wait until I have what I want and then I'll be happy.. I want to learn that it isn't about this, because that is what I believe in my heart. I want to learn peace and happines while I'm fat!! Then I'll be golden and good to go if my body morphs again into something smaller.. imagine that???
Now anyone who is fit or hot or thin or gets to completely rely on their physical perfection in this life to get what they want... or anyone who has never had a weight or food problem might argue that I am trying to make it not "about this" because I have to deal with not being "hollywood" like right now. I know that argument, I was there, I was thin, young and stunning once too you know. But it's bullshit. There is life beyond the body. There is life beyond being the most beautiful. I mean don't get me wrong when I was watching my recorded T.V. show "My Antonio" tonight with Antonio Sabato Jr. and drooling as I fantasized about eating whip cream out of his dimples I was bought into body 100%. When I found myself rewinding the scene where he was taking his shirt off and looking shy as he did it, I thought I was going to need a defibrilator to shock my heart into beating again because it had surely stopped. So I get it, I too sometimes believe that my salvation depends on prince charming to come rescue me and he better be good looking and have muscles! And granted it doesn't always take much to snap me into drooling over a stunning rugged testosterone infested man. It's a lie though. I've had many prince charmings. I've been 120 lbs. I've lured many beautiful men into my bed and thought it was the answer to my suffering, happiness at last! And yet here I am!! The divorce rate in this country has surpassed 50%. People cheat on each other all the time! Especially in HOLLYWOOD where all the perfect people live!!! We get into relationship with perfect bodies and then quickly become disillusioned because, well... come on, it's not the answer! Some people are lucky enough to work through the disillusionment and grow from it, but it's not easy to face ourselves and let go of this bullshit lie, ask the - over 50% divorcees - I'm yelling at myself of course and not you. Well, you.. but there's no one else in the room,right!?
Well, once again. I'm determined. I'm going to Byron Katie this one til' I'm blue in the face. I talk with Tom tomorrow night and we're going to dive head first into the fat and body issue. I'll let you know how it goes.
Until then.. here's to good friends who mirror the deepest part of ourselves. Here's to childhood connections, growing up together letting go of old dreams and creating new ones with each other as our witness'. Here's to love and laughter and anger and any other feeling for they all deserve to have a life.
Here's to a world that looks through the physical and see's only the soul. And with this vision here's to every single form of life on this planet being healed because of our new sight. I know it starts with me. You are beautiful just as you are my friend.. whoever you are, wherever you are.
Here's to you whoever is reading this...
Shoot me a comment if you're reading. I'd love to know someone is with me.
Love, Steph
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Krutika