The Branching of the Road
"When you come to the place where the branch in the road is quite apparent, you cannot go ahead. You must go either one way or the other. For now if you go straight ahead, the way you went before you reached the branch, you will go nowhere. The whole purpose of coming this far was to decide which branch you will take now. The way you came no longer matters. It can no longer serve. No one who reaches this far can make the wrong decision, although he can delay. And there is no part of the journey that seems more hopeless and futile than standing where the road branches, and not deciding on which way to go."
- A Course in Miracles - Text p. 477 par. I
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle if this little spot on quotation from my favorite book doesn't describe where I'm at. It's so apparent which way to go. I know my right mind. I realize connection is the truth and separation and war is the lie. And yet I stand staring straight ahead where the road branches. I stare exactly between where the two roads meet. There is nothing there, I see dark, there is nowhere to go but left or right, war or peace, suffering or right mindedness. And there I delay, I delay and delay and delay and did I mention, I delay.
*I'm going to remind you not to feel sorry for me as you read on. This is not about your ego coddling mine so that we can swim in our ocean of pity together and delay and suffer as a tribe. I urge you to look with me because chances are you are delaying too. I won't rope you in however. I mean, after all, I chose to write this darn blog, so I'll use me as the subject because I am the only one in this room. I am simply encouraging you to use you and have your own undoing occur. With that said, I will go on.*
It does feel futile and hopeless here. I seem to slip back to old patterns of eating and self abuse with food as my means of delaying. But I've come to the point where I can't shut off this little voice inside of me that just rattles off the truth even while I actively resist it. "The way you came no longer matters" I love this. My past does not matter, how I got here is a non-issue. And yet, it is another means I use to delaym I want so badly to choose peace consistently!! REALLY?? I hear Byron Katie say. Is that true?? YES!! Can I absolutely know for sure that it is true that I want so badly to choose peace consistently? no. How do I react when I believe the thought "I want so badly to choose peace consistently (and I'm not choosing peace consistently)? Well, I eat and get depressed and tell myself I'm doing it wrong. I suffer with thoughts like how quickly life is passing before my eyes. I tell myself lies like how I haven't accomplished anything I want to accomplish. I get angry and frustrated. I procrastinate!! I am two chapters (if that) from finishing this damn "Stuffing Myself Silly" book and I cannot seem to sit down and finish. I feel it in my shoulders and stomach, I isolate. I keep track of all the resentments I have and I live in a violent war in my mind. That's how I react when I am believing "I want so badly to choose peace consistently" (and I'm not). Who would I be without that thought? Hmmm.. I'll be right back, I have to think about this one. I'm back. I would welcome myself and any thought I had. I would stop trying to get away from myself when I am not feeling peace and I would embrace all of me as a human being. I would be free and filled with love and compassion for myself and therefore the rest of this world. Turn it around: (A turnaround is the direct opposite statement of the original.. check out http://www.thework.com/) "I want so badly to choose war consistently" Examples: 1. My son's father and I had words tonight and I hated him for it in the moment. I'm still hating him as I write this. I am choosing war with him right now. 2. I am angry at one of my friends because she rarely calls me back. I have ended the relationship in my mind several times tonight and I have done it violently. 3. I put today aside to finish my book and I didn't. Instead I became hypnotized by the television and kept telling myself that I can't get published anyways so ate like crap instead. There are three examples.. Katie - at this point - might say "If you can come up with three examples why not four" and then she might add "If this were a benevolent Universe, a user-friendly Universe and everything happened for you and for the good what example could you come up with for "I want so badly to choose war consistently?" Well.. hold on.. I have to think about this.. #4: Well.. clearly I'm not ready tonight. I still have some beliefs in place that I haven't questioned that is supporting my stance for mind war. I am doing the very best I can in this moment and for some reason I think the stance of war is the safest route to go. And if I'm not ready, then is forcing myself to choose peace when I feel like I need to sit down and have a good ol' cry for myself really a loving way to go? NO!!! That's more war. The most peaceful stance I can come up with right now is to not abandon myself for one more moment tonight. I self rejected all day how about I choose peace right now and completely without abandon accept the war in my head. If it were my best friend telling me this right now, would I force her to shut up and choose peace? NO! Can you hear the voilence in that way of being? I would embrace her and tell her to cry and let it out. I would tell her the way to peace is to allow the thoughts to be there so we could look at them together and then seek the truth and let the lies lose their power naturally. So that is what I will do tonght.
This coming Tuesday is my birthday. I hate my birthday. I use to pretend to like it so that it didn't feel so bad. When I was a kid, there was so much chaos that my birthday would often get forgotten. And here I am a full grown adult and can't seem to shake the sadness that comes over me when September 8th comes around. Clearly I still have some work to do. It's easy to write this down here because for all I know.. noone is even reading this. So I can pretend I'm spilling my guts to someone but it could be noone.. pretty smart huh? This is also the time of year that my Dad died 27 years ago. I always think I am over the thoughts I have surrounding his death, but the truth is, this time of year comes around and I remember. I don't actively try to remember, but the crisp fall air and the darkness starting to settle upon us early again .. always seems to trigger these feelings I cannot get away from. I remember the array of feelings that accompanied the start of school life going on except without my Dad in the house. I had no choice either. He was just gone and I had to go back to school. So I ate. I am realizing as I write this however, this is the past.. so they can only be thoughts I am having which is good news.
I am going to lay down and cry right now. I am going to give myself the gift of tears. And I am going to say a little prayer when I am done that I get some help in chosing. I want to start walking again, choose one of the branches and walk. With my head held high and self respect and love in place, one foot in front of the other.. walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walking down the branch of right mindedness. The branch of no more suffering. The branch of compelete surrender and self love. It just dawned on me what I would like for my birthday this year... One gift only... the courage to walk down the branch in the road. Please God, Universe, whoever is out there listening to me right now please give me the courage to choose the right branch in the road to walk down on Tuesday. Please help me to give myself that gift. To walk, walk, walk, walk.
"When you walk through a storm hold your head up high and don't be afraid of the dark. At the end of the storm is a golden light and the sweet silver song of the lark. Walk on through the wind walk on through the rain though your dreams be tossed and blown. Walk on walk on with faith in your heart and you'll never walk alone. You'll never walk alone." - Rogers and Hammerstein (Carousel).
xoxo Steph
- A Course in Miracles - Text p. 477 par. I
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle if this little spot on quotation from my favorite book doesn't describe where I'm at. It's so apparent which way to go. I know my right mind. I realize connection is the truth and separation and war is the lie. And yet I stand staring straight ahead where the road branches. I stare exactly between where the two roads meet. There is nothing there, I see dark, there is nowhere to go but left or right, war or peace, suffering or right mindedness. And there I delay, I delay and delay and delay and did I mention, I delay.
*I'm going to remind you not to feel sorry for me as you read on. This is not about your ego coddling mine so that we can swim in our ocean of pity together and delay and suffer as a tribe. I urge you to look with me because chances are you are delaying too. I won't rope you in however. I mean, after all, I chose to write this darn blog, so I'll use me as the subject because I am the only one in this room. I am simply encouraging you to use you and have your own undoing occur. With that said, I will go on.*
It does feel futile and hopeless here. I seem to slip back to old patterns of eating and self abuse with food as my means of delaying. But I've come to the point where I can't shut off this little voice inside of me that just rattles off the truth even while I actively resist it. "The way you came no longer matters" I love this. My past does not matter, how I got here is a non-issue. And yet, it is another means I use to delaym I want so badly to choose peace consistently!! REALLY?? I hear Byron Katie say. Is that true?? YES!! Can I absolutely know for sure that it is true that I want so badly to choose peace consistently? no. How do I react when I believe the thought "I want so badly to choose peace consistently (and I'm not choosing peace consistently)? Well, I eat and get depressed and tell myself I'm doing it wrong. I suffer with thoughts like how quickly life is passing before my eyes. I tell myself lies like how I haven't accomplished anything I want to accomplish. I get angry and frustrated. I procrastinate!! I am two chapters (if that) from finishing this damn "Stuffing Myself Silly" book and I cannot seem to sit down and finish. I feel it in my shoulders and stomach, I isolate. I keep track of all the resentments I have and I live in a violent war in my mind. That's how I react when I am believing "I want so badly to choose peace consistently" (and I'm not). Who would I be without that thought? Hmmm.. I'll be right back, I have to think about this one. I'm back. I would welcome myself and any thought I had. I would stop trying to get away from myself when I am not feeling peace and I would embrace all of me as a human being. I would be free and filled with love and compassion for myself and therefore the rest of this world. Turn it around: (A turnaround is the direct opposite statement of the original.. check out http://www.thework.com/) "I want so badly to choose war consistently" Examples: 1. My son's father and I had words tonight and I hated him for it in the moment. I'm still hating him as I write this. I am choosing war with him right now. 2. I am angry at one of my friends because she rarely calls me back. I have ended the relationship in my mind several times tonight and I have done it violently. 3. I put today aside to finish my book and I didn't. Instead I became hypnotized by the television and kept telling myself that I can't get published anyways so ate like crap instead. There are three examples.. Katie - at this point - might say "If you can come up with three examples why not four" and then she might add "If this were a benevolent Universe, a user-friendly Universe and everything happened for you and for the good what example could you come up with for "I want so badly to choose war consistently?" Well.. hold on.. I have to think about this.. #4: Well.. clearly I'm not ready tonight. I still have some beliefs in place that I haven't questioned that is supporting my stance for mind war. I am doing the very best I can in this moment and for some reason I think the stance of war is the safest route to go. And if I'm not ready, then is forcing myself to choose peace when I feel like I need to sit down and have a good ol' cry for myself really a loving way to go? NO!!! That's more war. The most peaceful stance I can come up with right now is to not abandon myself for one more moment tonight. I self rejected all day how about I choose peace right now and completely without abandon accept the war in my head. If it were my best friend telling me this right now, would I force her to shut up and choose peace? NO! Can you hear the voilence in that way of being? I would embrace her and tell her to cry and let it out. I would tell her the way to peace is to allow the thoughts to be there so we could look at them together and then seek the truth and let the lies lose their power naturally. So that is what I will do tonght.
This coming Tuesday is my birthday. I hate my birthday. I use to pretend to like it so that it didn't feel so bad. When I was a kid, there was so much chaos that my birthday would often get forgotten. And here I am a full grown adult and can't seem to shake the sadness that comes over me when September 8th comes around. Clearly I still have some work to do. It's easy to write this down here because for all I know.. noone is even reading this. So I can pretend I'm spilling my guts to someone but it could be noone.. pretty smart huh? This is also the time of year that my Dad died 27 years ago. I always think I am over the thoughts I have surrounding his death, but the truth is, this time of year comes around and I remember. I don't actively try to remember, but the crisp fall air and the darkness starting to settle upon us early again .. always seems to trigger these feelings I cannot get away from. I remember the array of feelings that accompanied the start of school life going on except without my Dad in the house. I had no choice either. He was just gone and I had to go back to school. So I ate. I am realizing as I write this however, this is the past.. so they can only be thoughts I am having which is good news.
I am going to lay down and cry right now. I am going to give myself the gift of tears. And I am going to say a little prayer when I am done that I get some help in chosing. I want to start walking again, choose one of the branches and walk. With my head held high and self respect and love in place, one foot in front of the other.. walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walking down the branch of right mindedness. The branch of no more suffering. The branch of compelete surrender and self love. It just dawned on me what I would like for my birthday this year... One gift only... the courage to walk down the branch in the road. Please God, Universe, whoever is out there listening to me right now please give me the courage to choose the right branch in the road to walk down on Tuesday. Please help me to give myself that gift. To walk, walk, walk, walk.
"When you walk through a storm hold your head up high and don't be afraid of the dark. At the end of the storm is a golden light and the sweet silver song of the lark. Walk on through the wind walk on through the rain though your dreams be tossed and blown. Walk on walk on with faith in your heart and you'll never walk alone. You'll never walk alone." - Rogers and Hammerstein (Carousel).
xoxo Steph
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