You are so phat!
Why is that in this world people feel justified in commenting candidly to someone about their body? For the most part, it's the first thing we notice and then depending on if the body has changed (weight gain or loss) we get fixated, barely hearing another word from the person's mouth, as if we're looking at an object and studying it without accounting for the whole being. We look, assess, and then out of the mouth comes the nonsense and into the mouth goes the foot. If the body has not changed at all eg: aged, gone up in down in proportion, hair color etc.. then we look, assess, have nothing to comment on and have what seems to be a normal conversation. But it always starts (for most of us) with assesment and ends in judgement, that is until we get conscious and it doesn't end in judgement anymore.
For example: I remember when I lived in Mansfield a few years back and I went to the surprize 40th birthday of an old friend from high school. While meandering about having a good ol' time, my old softball coach came up to me and said "Holy shit Steph, you put on some weight!!! What happened to you?? Are you alright?? My God!!" And as I looked around the yard and noticed several people staring at us, I took a deep breath and responded. "Well, Karen, do you want to know what happened to me?" "YES!!" She shouted. "Do you want to know what's wrong and what happened are you sure??" I lured her in. "YES, tell me, what???".. I said with a straight face "I ate alot of food and stopped excercising so therefore I was eating more calories than my body was expending and I got fat, that's what happened." Silence. You couldn't hear a pin drop in that section of the par-tee. She looked at me with remorse and said "I'm sorry, I was just shocked and I felt the need to say something".. I said "Apology accepted. And you probably should think twice about walking around parties and calling people out on what are probably sensitive issues." And I walked away.
Another example: The same year, I walked into the local Stop and Shop and an old gym teacher happen to be working in the fish department. It was so good to see her. We hugged and got to talking and I was in a really good place that day. I had also just dropped about 40 pounds but she did not know this for she hadn't seen me in fifteen years. She said to me after our five minute catch up "Steph, you've gained alot of weight and you NEED to lose it. You know you have heart disease in your family and your father died at a very young age (41) and you don't want to follow in his footsteps." I thought to myself - Holy shit, I'm fat??? I have heart disease in my family? My father died?? Wow.. good thing this lady was born to brief me on my life! Where the hell have I been? Have I missed all this good material that has happened to me thus far?? - I was too ashamed to speak any of this, so I simply said "I am aware of what has occured in my life and what is currently happening in my life, thank you. Good to see you." And I walked away. I have a million and one more stories like this, you get the point. Do you think I don't know? When I went out to buy a pair of pants size 20 instead of an 8 did you think that the weight gain had slipped by me? What the fugats?? HELLO.
The interesting thing is that each time I have run into "their" judgements/assesments of me, I leave them feeling ashamed and eat. I eat and somewhere in me this thought is occuring: "I'll show you!" or I eat just to comfort myself from the intense shame and "I'm not good engough" thoughts. Don't feel bad for me, you think the same thoughts somewhere in your life too. And what's crazy is we all think what the ballsy bold big mouthed beeaattchh is saying.. we put people on the spot.. and we become the judge/persecutor and the person on the spot is on trial, raising their right hand to God agreeing to "Speak the truth and nothing but the truth"... but we lie. All of us, because when we are in the position of being put on the spot especially about our bodies we want to say: "It's none of your fucking business." That's what I want to say.. and.. oh... look.. I just did. I want to say "Hey, do you want to hear about the amazing child this fat body gave birth to and is currently raising?" "Do you want me to tell you about the hundreds of people I have coached into wonderful lives teaching them the Work of Byron Katie?" "Do you want to hear about my struggles and victories and dreams? or do you just want to sit there and make me nothing but a fat body?" And then I think .. well.. that's what I do to me.
Then there is the other side of the coin:
After losing weight you hear "Wow, you LOOK great!! Good for you! That's terrific! You look beautiful. Look what you've done to yourself!".. etc. And we find our moods going up. Finally, approval. I finally look the way you think I should. I remember when I was thin. I didn't have any direction, I hated myself, I had very little depth, substance and was quite selfish and thoughtless. I am not in any way suggesting that this is the attitude that all thin people have, I am making the point that I was no better off then than I am today. As a matter of fact, I feel as though I know deep inside of me who I am today compared to fifteen years and one hundred pounds ago. I cannot put this into words because who I Truly am cannot be described, but I am so clear it is more than this body and I am so clear that I have more of myself and depth and substance than I have at any other point in my life and yet, I get hooked. I still buy it. I still think it. I still believe I am this body. And it keeps me eatin'.
It just happened yesterday. I was out to lunch with a friend and it was so good to see her, it had been years since I've seen this person. And we got into some deep sharing. And I was telling her about my life and the process I have been through and at one point I said "I still have not figured out how to balance being a single mother and a friend and a family member and an ex-partner and a writer and a worker etc. etc. with also making time for just me." And she said "And obviously that's where the weight comes from." And I was stunned yet again. I didn't offer up weight as a conversation. I was not suggesting that I was fat because of the struggle for balance in my life. Alot of people struggle with this and are not fat. And I found myself defending myself. I found myself pretending it was okay that she said that and that I was okay hearing it and I wasn't. I became an object in that moment. I no longer felt like her equal having a wonderful conversation. I felt like the obvious fat girl. I accepted her objectification of me by objectifying myself in that moment. "Damn" I thought "She noticed". I thought she might have gotten past it, but I was wrong. And I forgot to remember that what she was thinking of me was "NONE OF MY BUSINESS". The thing that struck me was, she had to say it because it was on her mind. She noticed my fatness, that I'd gained alot of weight since she'd seen me last and she couldn't shake it. She had to make sense out if for herself because she is afraid of fat. Just like the rest of us.
And to make a long story short I won't even mention all of the ways in which we blurt out these assesments:
Did you get your hair colored?
You look tired.
Botox?
Is that a new lipstick color?
You look good, have you been working out?
Have you seen how much weight ____ has gained?
Have you seen how much weight ____ has lost?
While talking with someone how many times have you thought to yourself WHILE having the conversation:
She's aged
Look at those crows feet.
She must be a smoker, her lips are pinched.
She use to be prettier.
I'm prettier than her
I wish I were as pretty as her.
She must of had a boob job.
She looks good for her age.
She must have a trainer
She must have a cook
Her boobs are sagging.
Her ass is sagging.
He's going bald
Why doens't he just cut off that damn comb over.
Shall I go on??
So what's my point? I don't have one.
I just know that there are times that I have made a career out of not leaving my house because of the "looks" that this body will get from people. I'm not only talking fat, I'm talking skinny too. This is the thing though. I'm the culprit. I'm not this victim walking around being judged, I AM the judge. I could give programs in judging "Yoga and the art of Judgment". I mean this crap wouldn't even touch me if I wasn't already bought into it. If I wasn't a master judge, you wouldn't be able to touch me with your opinions. I remember doing a program with Byron Katie and she had just had a growth removed from her nose. She had this HUGE bandage on her face and it was so obvious to most of us. She told us how she had been in Florida the week before with her daughter and grandchildren. They went to the park and when they got home that day Katie said to her daughter "Geez, my nose is coming along nicely, not one person looked at me today and noticed it!" Katies daughter laughed and said "Mom.. everyone was staring at you! Everyone noticed it!".. her point... Katie didn't see anyone staring at her nose because she wasn't staring at her nose. She was enjoying the present moment with her daughter and grandchildren. She also tells the story of this sore she had on her lip. And one day she woke up her husband Stephen said to her "Oh honey.. that thing on your lip is gone and you look much better" and she replied "Oh, I'm so happy for you."... LOL. She said she responded that way because obviously it was important to him, after all, she didn't have to look at it all day, he did!
I love those stories. They remind me of the truth. It's all in the mind. And I am interested in continuing to wake up. Noticing judgement and judging others is very painful. It causes a whole lot of suffering. I am even noticing right in this moment the difference in how I feel writing the first few paragraphs of this entry and now the summary of it. I feel lighter right now focussing on how this body is here to WAKE ME UP!!! These judgments are here FOR ME!!! Not to HURT ME. How else will I learn to mind my own business about what you think of me. How else will I learn how to see you as something beyond the flesh unless I notice how painful it is to make you into an object?
I love when my friends and son and family don't notice my new hair cut or color, because it means they see beyond it - at least that what I make up! I love when I've lost weight and noone notices, it means I'm more than a body to them. I love when I've lost a hundred pounds and someone says "You look so clear, your very bright".. because they are seeing the self care that I have taken of my soul and not this body that morphs every minute into something new.
This topic, this issue, has always been my achiles "heel". Now I like to call it my achilles "heal". I know my strength, my spirit and I will come through the other side of this and learn and therefore teach. Teaching without knowing I am even teaching. Because it starts inside of me. I have to stop asking me "What's wrong, what happened? Your father's dead, you're next!, You look ugly, you never take care of yourself that's why you are fat".. I am the one who needs to stop harrassing me. It's not their job, it's not your job, it's my job to stop harrassing me. And how do I do this? Keep on keepin' on.. that's how. Question these abusive thoughts. Stop making you responsible for my outcome. It's up to me. And hopefully as I love me, we will wake up together. As I love me, and because of this wonderful love, I also love you... then you love you too. I've come to learn that loving someone does not mean I have to invite them over for dinner. It just means I've surrendered. No more war. No more judgment. No more suffering.
Next time you are tempted to judge a person for their body ask this question:
Are they fat or phat?
If you close your eyes and listen to what they have to say. To the brilliance of what is underneath the shell, the facade, the mask that we all wear. If you close your eyes and listen to your heart the answer becomes clear.
You are so phat!
Sending many phat jiggly hugs your way my friend.
xoxo Steph
For example: I remember when I lived in Mansfield a few years back and I went to the surprize 40th birthday of an old friend from high school. While meandering about having a good ol' time, my old softball coach came up to me and said "Holy shit Steph, you put on some weight!!! What happened to you?? Are you alright?? My God!!" And as I looked around the yard and noticed several people staring at us, I took a deep breath and responded. "Well, Karen, do you want to know what happened to me?" "YES!!" She shouted. "Do you want to know what's wrong and what happened are you sure??" I lured her in. "YES, tell me, what???".. I said with a straight face "I ate alot of food and stopped excercising so therefore I was eating more calories than my body was expending and I got fat, that's what happened." Silence. You couldn't hear a pin drop in that section of the par-tee. She looked at me with remorse and said "I'm sorry, I was just shocked and I felt the need to say something".. I said "Apology accepted. And you probably should think twice about walking around parties and calling people out on what are probably sensitive issues." And I walked away.
Another example: The same year, I walked into the local Stop and Shop and an old gym teacher happen to be working in the fish department. It was so good to see her. We hugged and got to talking and I was in a really good place that day. I had also just dropped about 40 pounds but she did not know this for she hadn't seen me in fifteen years. She said to me after our five minute catch up "Steph, you've gained alot of weight and you NEED to lose it. You know you have heart disease in your family and your father died at a very young age (41) and you don't want to follow in his footsteps." I thought to myself - Holy shit, I'm fat??? I have heart disease in my family? My father died?? Wow.. good thing this lady was born to brief me on my life! Where the hell have I been? Have I missed all this good material that has happened to me thus far?? - I was too ashamed to speak any of this, so I simply said "I am aware of what has occured in my life and what is currently happening in my life, thank you. Good to see you." And I walked away. I have a million and one more stories like this, you get the point. Do you think I don't know? When I went out to buy a pair of pants size 20 instead of an 8 did you think that the weight gain had slipped by me? What the fugats?? HELLO.
The interesting thing is that each time I have run into "their" judgements/assesments of me, I leave them feeling ashamed and eat. I eat and somewhere in me this thought is occuring: "I'll show you!" or I eat just to comfort myself from the intense shame and "I'm not good engough" thoughts. Don't feel bad for me, you think the same thoughts somewhere in your life too. And what's crazy is we all think what the ballsy bold big mouthed beeaattchh is saying.. we put people on the spot.. and we become the judge/persecutor and the person on the spot is on trial, raising their right hand to God agreeing to "Speak the truth and nothing but the truth"... but we lie. All of us, because when we are in the position of being put on the spot especially about our bodies we want to say: "It's none of your fucking business." That's what I want to say.. and.. oh... look.. I just did. I want to say "Hey, do you want to hear about the amazing child this fat body gave birth to and is currently raising?" "Do you want me to tell you about the hundreds of people I have coached into wonderful lives teaching them the Work of Byron Katie?" "Do you want to hear about my struggles and victories and dreams? or do you just want to sit there and make me nothing but a fat body?" And then I think .. well.. that's what I do to me.
Then there is the other side of the coin:
After losing weight you hear "Wow, you LOOK great!! Good for you! That's terrific! You look beautiful. Look what you've done to yourself!".. etc. And we find our moods going up. Finally, approval. I finally look the way you think I should. I remember when I was thin. I didn't have any direction, I hated myself, I had very little depth, substance and was quite selfish and thoughtless. I am not in any way suggesting that this is the attitude that all thin people have, I am making the point that I was no better off then than I am today. As a matter of fact, I feel as though I know deep inside of me who I am today compared to fifteen years and one hundred pounds ago. I cannot put this into words because who I Truly am cannot be described, but I am so clear it is more than this body and I am so clear that I have more of myself and depth and substance than I have at any other point in my life and yet, I get hooked. I still buy it. I still think it. I still believe I am this body. And it keeps me eatin'.
It just happened yesterday. I was out to lunch with a friend and it was so good to see her, it had been years since I've seen this person. And we got into some deep sharing. And I was telling her about my life and the process I have been through and at one point I said "I still have not figured out how to balance being a single mother and a friend and a family member and an ex-partner and a writer and a worker etc. etc. with also making time for just me." And she said "And obviously that's where the weight comes from." And I was stunned yet again. I didn't offer up weight as a conversation. I was not suggesting that I was fat because of the struggle for balance in my life. Alot of people struggle with this and are not fat. And I found myself defending myself. I found myself pretending it was okay that she said that and that I was okay hearing it and I wasn't. I became an object in that moment. I no longer felt like her equal having a wonderful conversation. I felt like the obvious fat girl. I accepted her objectification of me by objectifying myself in that moment. "Damn" I thought "She noticed". I thought she might have gotten past it, but I was wrong. And I forgot to remember that what she was thinking of me was "NONE OF MY BUSINESS". The thing that struck me was, she had to say it because it was on her mind. She noticed my fatness, that I'd gained alot of weight since she'd seen me last and she couldn't shake it. She had to make sense out if for herself because she is afraid of fat. Just like the rest of us.
And to make a long story short I won't even mention all of the ways in which we blurt out these assesments:
Did you get your hair colored?
You look tired.
Botox?
Is that a new lipstick color?
You look good, have you been working out?
Have you seen how much weight ____ has gained?
Have you seen how much weight ____ has lost?
While talking with someone how many times have you thought to yourself WHILE having the conversation:
She's aged
Look at those crows feet.
She must be a smoker, her lips are pinched.
She use to be prettier.
I'm prettier than her
I wish I were as pretty as her.
She must of had a boob job.
She looks good for her age.
She must have a trainer
She must have a cook
Her boobs are sagging.
Her ass is sagging.
He's going bald
Why doens't he just cut off that damn comb over.
Shall I go on??
So what's my point? I don't have one.
I just know that there are times that I have made a career out of not leaving my house because of the "looks" that this body will get from people. I'm not only talking fat, I'm talking skinny too. This is the thing though. I'm the culprit. I'm not this victim walking around being judged, I AM the judge. I could give programs in judging "Yoga and the art of Judgment". I mean this crap wouldn't even touch me if I wasn't already bought into it. If I wasn't a master judge, you wouldn't be able to touch me with your opinions. I remember doing a program with Byron Katie and she had just had a growth removed from her nose. She had this HUGE bandage on her face and it was so obvious to most of us. She told us how she had been in Florida the week before with her daughter and grandchildren. They went to the park and when they got home that day Katie said to her daughter "Geez, my nose is coming along nicely, not one person looked at me today and noticed it!" Katies daughter laughed and said "Mom.. everyone was staring at you! Everyone noticed it!".. her point... Katie didn't see anyone staring at her nose because she wasn't staring at her nose. She was enjoying the present moment with her daughter and grandchildren. She also tells the story of this sore she had on her lip. And one day she woke up her husband Stephen said to her "Oh honey.. that thing on your lip is gone and you look much better" and she replied "Oh, I'm so happy for you."... LOL. She said she responded that way because obviously it was important to him, after all, she didn't have to look at it all day, he did!
I love those stories. They remind me of the truth. It's all in the mind. And I am interested in continuing to wake up. Noticing judgement and judging others is very painful. It causes a whole lot of suffering. I am even noticing right in this moment the difference in how I feel writing the first few paragraphs of this entry and now the summary of it. I feel lighter right now focussing on how this body is here to WAKE ME UP!!! These judgments are here FOR ME!!! Not to HURT ME. How else will I learn to mind my own business about what you think of me. How else will I learn how to see you as something beyond the flesh unless I notice how painful it is to make you into an object?
I love when my friends and son and family don't notice my new hair cut or color, because it means they see beyond it - at least that what I make up! I love when I've lost weight and noone notices, it means I'm more than a body to them. I love when I've lost a hundred pounds and someone says "You look so clear, your very bright".. because they are seeing the self care that I have taken of my soul and not this body that morphs every minute into something new.
This topic, this issue, has always been my achiles "heel". Now I like to call it my achilles "heal". I know my strength, my spirit and I will come through the other side of this and learn and therefore teach. Teaching without knowing I am even teaching. Because it starts inside of me. I have to stop asking me "What's wrong, what happened? Your father's dead, you're next!, You look ugly, you never take care of yourself that's why you are fat".. I am the one who needs to stop harrassing me. It's not their job, it's not your job, it's my job to stop harrassing me. And how do I do this? Keep on keepin' on.. that's how. Question these abusive thoughts. Stop making you responsible for my outcome. It's up to me. And hopefully as I love me, we will wake up together. As I love me, and because of this wonderful love, I also love you... then you love you too. I've come to learn that loving someone does not mean I have to invite them over for dinner. It just means I've surrendered. No more war. No more judgment. No more suffering.
Next time you are tempted to judge a person for their body ask this question:
Are they fat or phat?
If you close your eyes and listen to what they have to say. To the brilliance of what is underneath the shell, the facade, the mask that we all wear. If you close your eyes and listen to your heart the answer becomes clear.
You are so phat!
Sending many phat jiggly hugs your way my friend.
xoxo Steph
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