Uninspired, is that true?
I just have not been inspired to write as of late. I sit at my computer and stare at the screen, listen to the background music, close my eyes, go deep within and ..... nothin'. Even with my book, I'm so close to finishing and I can barely open it up in the morning when it's time to write. I guess it's not time to write, right?
Never-the-less, I've been contemplating why I go through these very long gaps in my inner process. Gaps of feeling as though I am not connected to this Universe or God or You in any way. As I investigate this
-for lack of a better phrase- phenomenon, these are the thoughts that come to mind: "I'm too old to have my dreams", "I'm nobody", "What the use", "I'm too tired", "I'd rather watch a movie", "I don't want to be vulnerable", "This isn't helping my process" ... got it? Good.
Then I question these thoughts and close my eyes and go even deeper into the black velvet void of my soul and I see that I am not really wanting to be honest with myself about my own process. I haven't finished the book because I am waiting to get consistent with food so that I can end the book with a message of hope. And I'm just not there yet. In fact I am adamant about not sending out a negative message. The book has alot of experiences and humor that could be interpreted as negative and I just will not put out this book without an uplifiting ending. The truth right now is, I'm not uplifted in the "el foodo departmento" get my jist?
Before I get into my B.S. I will start by saying the most consistent part of my plan these days is that I am keeping up with my green smoothies. I drink them every day or at least every other. I love these things. This may be too much information but I am pooping like a maniac!!! All I do is poop!! It's terrific!! These smoothies level out my blood sugar nicely and when I drink them I feel really good. On good days I will also nibble on salads and nuts and raw cheese and then I have a cooked meal for dinner. And then the inevitable still happens... BOREDOM! And I go to my comfort food. I question it, "I am bored, is that true" and I always come up with the same "no." And as simple as it sounds it is these very concepts that seem to be keeping me stuck.. the concepts that I believe like my religion.. yes, these concepts are my RELIGION... "I am going nowhere and fast!" Now, virtually eveybody who knows me doesn't believe this or any of the concepts I written above. And if there is a person or two, they ain't tellin' me. But the problem 'lies' within my own mind and that pun is intended. I am so committed to these stories. And for the life of me I cannot figure out my payoff here. There has to be one or I wouldn't be so committed. I really cannot see my life without my comfort food.
I do my work, sit in support groups, talk with my coach and my life has changed so much because of this process, no joke. A one hundred and eighty degree turnaround. Except with my food addiction, I coddle it like a baby. It doesn't matter if my blood sugar rises or that I have health issues that need tending to (another concept!), I still choose food. I don't talk about it much anymore with friends because I'm really just kind of sick of hearing myself. I did want to write about it though. Because it's keeping me stuck. Keeping me back from writing. Thinking I have to be together and "on the ball" with my food plan. And I'm not right now.
I was reading a book last night by Byron Katie. One of the first written about her back in the day (which was a Wednesday by the way, according to Dane Cook ;)). And there written in front of me was an infamous "Katieism"... 'Who would I be if the idea of death and pain never arose again?" Holy snipies! Seriously. She calls death and pain ideas. The nerve of this woman and I say that with tongue in cheek. I don't know who I'd be. My whole life and identity is built on avoiding pain and escaping death. I eat because I believe I need to comfort this body. Now clearly there is a part of me that does not beleive this because even as I write this I can feel the conflict inside of me. As the side of my mind that believes it's true steers the boat, the other side sits quietly knowing on some level it will awaken from this nightmare at some point. And it just sits and waits patiently like it has nothing else to do. Because it doesn't. If you came to me today and sat with me and asked me to do the work with you, I would. I would have no agenda for you and I would sit for as long as you wanted and hold the space. I am a master at holding the space for you, my friends will vouch for this. I will go as deeply as you want and I will hold you to the investigation, barely wavering. And if you sat with me and held the space for me I would do the same for myself, I would listen to you and allow you to insist I stay in the investigation of this mind and out of story. It's me sitting with me I seem to have the problem with.
I sit by myself and here come the thoughts. And I investigate. And I feel the pain of my thoughts .. all the ones I mentioned above. And here comes the suffering because now I believe them all. They stick to me like glue and I squirm and pray and meditate and stop the questioning. I stop the questioning. There is a place where I am not ready to go deeper. Where I am attached and invested in the story and I cannot go deeper right now. And as I write this the tears well up. Katie says sadness is a temper tantrum. I can see that. It's not like she's judging a temper tantrum. She didn't say having a temper tantrum is bad or wrong, she does know that temper tantrums are emotional and draining and whole lotta suffering. And it's true, I want to be in a different place and I'm not, so here come the tears. My little girl is at it again.
"You're never complete until you stand where you stand without condition". - Byron Katie
Yes. I can see that Katie. I can see the many conditions I've placed upon myself. But I cannot let go and it has not let go of me yet. I want it to be easy. I want it to just overcome me.. yes that is my definition of easy.. I sit and then awaken. I sit and enlightenment falls on me. I dont' have to do any work, it just happens. I want it to be that easy. And it's not right now. Here comes the sadness - wahh wahh wahhhhhhh!!!!
So I am awake physically right now and I've just made the most delicious green smoothie for today and tomorrow. 1 Apple, 2 pears, 2 cups of grapes, 3 - 4 cups of spinach and 2 cups of filtered water. Yum!
I'm hollering out to you phantom friends.. I'm gonna question my mind some more today. I'm gonna do it til' I can't anymore. I'm going to do it until the stories in my head sound like Charlie Browns' teacher.
I leave you with this Katie aphorism:
"The amount you attach to your story
indicates the amount you can let go -
The duality is equal." - B.K.
Love to anyone who is reading.
I'll write more this Friday.
xoxo Steph
Never-the-less, I've been contemplating why I go through these very long gaps in my inner process. Gaps of feeling as though I am not connected to this Universe or God or You in any way. As I investigate this
-for lack of a better phrase- phenomenon, these are the thoughts that come to mind: "I'm too old to have my dreams", "I'm nobody", "What the use", "I'm too tired", "I'd rather watch a movie", "I don't want to be vulnerable", "This isn't helping my process" ... got it? Good.
Then I question these thoughts and close my eyes and go even deeper into the black velvet void of my soul and I see that I am not really wanting to be honest with myself about my own process. I haven't finished the book because I am waiting to get consistent with food so that I can end the book with a message of hope. And I'm just not there yet. In fact I am adamant about not sending out a negative message. The book has alot of experiences and humor that could be interpreted as negative and I just will not put out this book without an uplifiting ending. The truth right now is, I'm not uplifted in the "el foodo departmento" get my jist?
Before I get into my B.S. I will start by saying the most consistent part of my plan these days is that I am keeping up with my green smoothies. I drink them every day or at least every other. I love these things. This may be too much information but I am pooping like a maniac!!! All I do is poop!! It's terrific!! These smoothies level out my blood sugar nicely and when I drink them I feel really good. On good days I will also nibble on salads and nuts and raw cheese and then I have a cooked meal for dinner. And then the inevitable still happens... BOREDOM! And I go to my comfort food. I question it, "I am bored, is that true" and I always come up with the same "no." And as simple as it sounds it is these very concepts that seem to be keeping me stuck.. the concepts that I believe like my religion.. yes, these concepts are my RELIGION... "I am going nowhere and fast!" Now, virtually eveybody who knows me doesn't believe this or any of the concepts I written above. And if there is a person or two, they ain't tellin' me. But the problem 'lies' within my own mind and that pun is intended. I am so committed to these stories. And for the life of me I cannot figure out my payoff here. There has to be one or I wouldn't be so committed. I really cannot see my life without my comfort food.
I do my work, sit in support groups, talk with my coach and my life has changed so much because of this process, no joke. A one hundred and eighty degree turnaround. Except with my food addiction, I coddle it like a baby. It doesn't matter if my blood sugar rises or that I have health issues that need tending to (another concept!), I still choose food. I don't talk about it much anymore with friends because I'm really just kind of sick of hearing myself. I did want to write about it though. Because it's keeping me stuck. Keeping me back from writing. Thinking I have to be together and "on the ball" with my food plan. And I'm not right now.
I was reading a book last night by Byron Katie. One of the first written about her back in the day (which was a Wednesday by the way, according to Dane Cook ;)). And there written in front of me was an infamous "Katieism"... 'Who would I be if the idea of death and pain never arose again?" Holy snipies! Seriously. She calls death and pain ideas. The nerve of this woman and I say that with tongue in cheek. I don't know who I'd be. My whole life and identity is built on avoiding pain and escaping death. I eat because I believe I need to comfort this body. Now clearly there is a part of me that does not beleive this because even as I write this I can feel the conflict inside of me. As the side of my mind that believes it's true steers the boat, the other side sits quietly knowing on some level it will awaken from this nightmare at some point. And it just sits and waits patiently like it has nothing else to do. Because it doesn't. If you came to me today and sat with me and asked me to do the work with you, I would. I would have no agenda for you and I would sit for as long as you wanted and hold the space. I am a master at holding the space for you, my friends will vouch for this. I will go as deeply as you want and I will hold you to the investigation, barely wavering. And if you sat with me and held the space for me I would do the same for myself, I would listen to you and allow you to insist I stay in the investigation of this mind and out of story. It's me sitting with me I seem to have the problem with.
I sit by myself and here come the thoughts. And I investigate. And I feel the pain of my thoughts .. all the ones I mentioned above. And here comes the suffering because now I believe them all. They stick to me like glue and I squirm and pray and meditate and stop the questioning. I stop the questioning. There is a place where I am not ready to go deeper. Where I am attached and invested in the story and I cannot go deeper right now. And as I write this the tears well up. Katie says sadness is a temper tantrum. I can see that. It's not like she's judging a temper tantrum. She didn't say having a temper tantrum is bad or wrong, she does know that temper tantrums are emotional and draining and whole lotta suffering. And it's true, I want to be in a different place and I'm not, so here come the tears. My little girl is at it again.
"You're never complete until you stand where you stand without condition". - Byron Katie
Yes. I can see that Katie. I can see the many conditions I've placed upon myself. But I cannot let go and it has not let go of me yet. I want it to be easy. I want it to just overcome me.. yes that is my definition of easy.. I sit and then awaken. I sit and enlightenment falls on me. I dont' have to do any work, it just happens. I want it to be that easy. And it's not right now. Here comes the sadness - wahh wahh wahhhhhhh!!!!
So I am awake physically right now and I've just made the most delicious green smoothie for today and tomorrow. 1 Apple, 2 pears, 2 cups of grapes, 3 - 4 cups of spinach and 2 cups of filtered water. Yum!
I'm hollering out to you phantom friends.. I'm gonna question my mind some more today. I'm gonna do it til' I can't anymore. I'm going to do it until the stories in my head sound like Charlie Browns' teacher.
I leave you with this Katie aphorism:
"The amount you attach to your story
indicates the amount you can let go -
The duality is equal." - B.K.
Love to anyone who is reading.
I'll write more this Friday.
xoxo Steph
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