I'm Back Jack.... from the big black hole..... for now......
Alright alright.. so I took a two month haitus... In the words of Bruce Hornsby "That's just the way it is, some things will never change". I may do it again. I apologize upfront for my shortcomings and just leaving you in the lurch phantom friends. It's what I do sometimes, I have thoughts, believe them and then crawl into the proverbial "black hole" for a while.
We never really do know when someone is in their own "black hole" do we? Think about it. I'm a sure match to Jekyll and Hyde when I'm in mine. Seriously, I can switch on and off like there is no tomorrow. There have been thousands upon thousands of stories over the years of infidelity and even murder where you hear people go "They were so kind, I'm SHOCKED they would do something like that", "He was so nice to me when I'd see him, I'm SHOCKED it was him", or my favorite "It looked like they had the perfect relationship, I'm SHOCKED he cheated on her".. well, they were kind, he was nice, they did have have the perfect relationship and then they had thoughts, believed them like a religion and fell into the "black hole". We all go there. We all deal with it differently.. different strokes for different folks. Drinking, drugging, sex, television, gambling, judgement, isolation, suicide, murder, rape, extra-marital affairs and my personal favorite... stuffing myself silly with any food I can get my hands on! NONE of us are any different. So snap out of it. We have thoughts, believe them and do what we do. The list could go on and on with the ways people deal with the black hole. You couldn't know when I'm in mine, unless of course you were Nostradamos. You just wouldn't know. I smile, laugh, look good (other than the hundred or so extra pounds on this body you think you see). In one nano-second I can go from pitch black in my mind to "Hey...how are you????? -smile smile- Great to see you!!! -laugh laugh- Oh yes, I'm GREAT!!! - giggle giggle- .. see you soon, I hope!" And you know what - if I'm in the black hole - I'm full of shit during our little conversation. So full of it. Sometimes I just go there. I don't want to meet the insanity within myself. So I hide.... "The Big Mac meal please.. oh and supersize it."
I was just talking to a friend about this last night. I was learning what she does when the adventure of the big black hole hits her. She runs like hell. She wants percoset. She avoids people, climbs into her bed and shuts off her phone. She - like me - doesn't want to meet the internal hunger in that moment. She - like me - in that moment does not want to question all the beliefs that are running amuck in that beautiful head of hers. If a friend reaches out in desperation, she turns her cheek - this is her admittance, not mine. And then she suffers and feels guilty for it. And the hole becomes bigger. How she possibly meet another person's black hole when her's is resting comfortably numb with Pink Floyd?
What do you do to avoid the proverbial black hole? You know the thoughts... "I'm too fat, not enough money, I'm too old, too ugly, someday I'll die..." These are mere words that have been passed onto us. Recycled beliefs that we clutch in our hands and just accept. You know.. I was talking with my friend Tom about this just last night. We live in a storyland where a body comes out of another body. That's right... I open my legs and a body is pulled out of my body. This happens over and over again every minute of every day. And I just walk on humming, twittling my thumbs like this is NORMAL!! Think about it, who designed this paradigm? I watch a body pop out of another body and then I obsess about how I need more money. I skip over the science fiction I am living and obsess about a thought that isn't even true but I believe in the moment like my religion. Then I eat.
I am too fat, I am not enough, I am lacking something... this is my religion. What religion am I you ask? "I AM NOT ENOUGH... NOTHING IS ENOUGH"... This is my religion. Hell.. catholicism is a walk in the park compared to this mofo.
I eat to compensate for the lack I feel within myself. I watch the televsion, I listen to the news and I see a dead child.. the killer's name is hunger.. starvation. His little body couldn't take it anymore.. so it passed. All form comes to pass and I see this as cruel. What I don't want to see however is the internal collective consciousness called hunger. I am hungry, I am STARVING for the truth. I am starving for kindness. This little boy whose form came to pass represents all of our internal collective starvation. Why did the boy starve in the first place? There is enough food in this world to feed all of the people in this world over and over again. There is no shortage of food. Why did the boy starve? What is the origin of this starvation? God bless you little boy. I do love you.
I have no answer. I do believe however that even in the face of the brutality we are facing in our collective worlds - there has to be a kinder thought system. The one that keeps getting recycled is too painful. Maybe forms passing isn't cruel. "It's cruel that every form comes to pass.. is that true?" What would happen if I tried on a "no". I'm so attached to my yes that I cannot go there right now. Funny though.. this is the big question you know. This is the question that ultimately leads us all to the big black hole in our minds... The paradigm of what we call death. It's like the theory of the body coming out of a body... we just whistle and sweep this odd phenomenon under the rug. Same goes for the "death card".. I get attached. I think you are your body. I actually believe this as I write this. I am convinced you are a body. I am convinced I am this body. I am convinced my son is a body. I still cannot accept that I have created this cruel world in my mind. That there is no "out there".. it's all an internal experience.. I mean it's do damn obvious.. this is my experience and still, I still refuse to take accountabality for what I see. I do, I admit it. I would rather blame God than change what I believe in my mind's eye. Hence.. the big black hole.
When I woke up this morning at 7:05 am it was pouring out. I was sure Berkshire county was in for a day of wet uncontrollable sky's and grounds. I was sure of it. I would of bet my last dollar on it. I was pissed because I have a gig tonight and I hate carrying my equipment into the place I will be singing while at the same time trying to keep my hair on this body that I think is me from getting wet and messed up. So I sucked it up and accepted this is the way it is.. pouring rain... It's going to be a rainy bleak day.
It is now 9:05 am and I opened my blinds.. that's right, I just stopped writing for a moment to open my blinds and the sun has covered me in warmth. There is no sign of rain. If you didn't look down and see the wet grass and leaves, you'd never know it was raining at all fifteen minutes ago. Sun and breeze and clarity.. a perfect fall day here in Western Mass. I think this is what waking up must be like. Waking consciousness. And even though I won't accept the truth today.. which must be love, not cruelty. Even though I won't accept it in this moment. Even though I may even go through Taco Bell or Wendy's at some point today. Even though I am convinced that this paradigm is cruel and that I am only a body and nothing else.. even though, even though... I am also convinced that I must still be asleep. That I haven't awoken yet. The suffering is still prominent, so I must still be asleep. As sure as the rain faded and the sun prevailed today, is the surety I have that there is a better way. A better vision, a kind, loving way to interpret this dreamworld I wake up to every morning. I am so sure there is a softer way, even though my way is still hard. I am sure, as the love for my beautiful son.. I am sure. Even though.
Love Steph.
We never really do know when someone is in their own "black hole" do we? Think about it. I'm a sure match to Jekyll and Hyde when I'm in mine. Seriously, I can switch on and off like there is no tomorrow. There have been thousands upon thousands of stories over the years of infidelity and even murder where you hear people go "They were so kind, I'm SHOCKED they would do something like that", "He was so nice to me when I'd see him, I'm SHOCKED it was him", or my favorite "It looked like they had the perfect relationship, I'm SHOCKED he cheated on her".. well, they were kind, he was nice, they did have have the perfect relationship and then they had thoughts, believed them like a religion and fell into the "black hole". We all go there. We all deal with it differently.. different strokes for different folks. Drinking, drugging, sex, television, gambling, judgement, isolation, suicide, murder, rape, extra-marital affairs and my personal favorite... stuffing myself silly with any food I can get my hands on! NONE of us are any different. So snap out of it. We have thoughts, believe them and do what we do. The list could go on and on with the ways people deal with the black hole. You couldn't know when I'm in mine, unless of course you were Nostradamos. You just wouldn't know. I smile, laugh, look good (other than the hundred or so extra pounds on this body you think you see). In one nano-second I can go from pitch black in my mind to "Hey...how are you????? -smile smile- Great to see you!!! -laugh laugh- Oh yes, I'm GREAT!!! - giggle giggle- .. see you soon, I hope!" And you know what - if I'm in the black hole - I'm full of shit during our little conversation. So full of it. Sometimes I just go there. I don't want to meet the insanity within myself. So I hide.... "The Big Mac meal please.. oh and supersize it."
I was just talking to a friend about this last night. I was learning what she does when the adventure of the big black hole hits her. She runs like hell. She wants percoset. She avoids people, climbs into her bed and shuts off her phone. She - like me - doesn't want to meet the internal hunger in that moment. She - like me - in that moment does not want to question all the beliefs that are running amuck in that beautiful head of hers. If a friend reaches out in desperation, she turns her cheek - this is her admittance, not mine. And then she suffers and feels guilty for it. And the hole becomes bigger. How she possibly meet another person's black hole when her's is resting comfortably numb with Pink Floyd?
What do you do to avoid the proverbial black hole? You know the thoughts... "I'm too fat, not enough money, I'm too old, too ugly, someday I'll die..." These are mere words that have been passed onto us. Recycled beliefs that we clutch in our hands and just accept. You know.. I was talking with my friend Tom about this just last night. We live in a storyland where a body comes out of another body. That's right... I open my legs and a body is pulled out of my body. This happens over and over again every minute of every day. And I just walk on humming, twittling my thumbs like this is NORMAL!! Think about it, who designed this paradigm? I watch a body pop out of another body and then I obsess about how I need more money. I skip over the science fiction I am living and obsess about a thought that isn't even true but I believe in the moment like my religion. Then I eat.
I am too fat, I am not enough, I am lacking something... this is my religion. What religion am I you ask? "I AM NOT ENOUGH... NOTHING IS ENOUGH"... This is my religion. Hell.. catholicism is a walk in the park compared to this mofo.
I eat to compensate for the lack I feel within myself. I watch the televsion, I listen to the news and I see a dead child.. the killer's name is hunger.. starvation. His little body couldn't take it anymore.. so it passed. All form comes to pass and I see this as cruel. What I don't want to see however is the internal collective consciousness called hunger. I am hungry, I am STARVING for the truth. I am starving for kindness. This little boy whose form came to pass represents all of our internal collective starvation. Why did the boy starve in the first place? There is enough food in this world to feed all of the people in this world over and over again. There is no shortage of food. Why did the boy starve? What is the origin of this starvation? God bless you little boy. I do love you.
I have no answer. I do believe however that even in the face of the brutality we are facing in our collective worlds - there has to be a kinder thought system. The one that keeps getting recycled is too painful. Maybe forms passing isn't cruel. "It's cruel that every form comes to pass.. is that true?" What would happen if I tried on a "no". I'm so attached to my yes that I cannot go there right now. Funny though.. this is the big question you know. This is the question that ultimately leads us all to the big black hole in our minds... The paradigm of what we call death. It's like the theory of the body coming out of a body... we just whistle and sweep this odd phenomenon under the rug. Same goes for the "death card".. I get attached. I think you are your body. I actually believe this as I write this. I am convinced you are a body. I am convinced I am this body. I am convinced my son is a body. I still cannot accept that I have created this cruel world in my mind. That there is no "out there".. it's all an internal experience.. I mean it's do damn obvious.. this is my experience and still, I still refuse to take accountabality for what I see. I do, I admit it. I would rather blame God than change what I believe in my mind's eye. Hence.. the big black hole.
When I woke up this morning at 7:05 am it was pouring out. I was sure Berkshire county was in for a day of wet uncontrollable sky's and grounds. I was sure of it. I would of bet my last dollar on it. I was pissed because I have a gig tonight and I hate carrying my equipment into the place I will be singing while at the same time trying to keep my hair on this body that I think is me from getting wet and messed up. So I sucked it up and accepted this is the way it is.. pouring rain... It's going to be a rainy bleak day.
It is now 9:05 am and I opened my blinds.. that's right, I just stopped writing for a moment to open my blinds and the sun has covered me in warmth. There is no sign of rain. If you didn't look down and see the wet grass and leaves, you'd never know it was raining at all fifteen minutes ago. Sun and breeze and clarity.. a perfect fall day here in Western Mass. I think this is what waking up must be like. Waking consciousness. And even though I won't accept the truth today.. which must be love, not cruelty. Even though I won't accept it in this moment. Even though I may even go through Taco Bell or Wendy's at some point today. Even though I am convinced that this paradigm is cruel and that I am only a body and nothing else.. even though, even though... I am also convinced that I must still be asleep. That I haven't awoken yet. The suffering is still prominent, so I must still be asleep. As sure as the rain faded and the sun prevailed today, is the surety I have that there is a better way. A better vision, a kind, loving way to interpret this dreamworld I wake up to every morning. I am so sure there is a softer way, even though my way is still hard. I am sure, as the love for my beautiful son.. I am sure. Even though.
Love Steph.
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Krutika