Day 12 and 13 ... Dead in Bed....
Dead in Bed is the name of a book that my twelve year old son is writing. When he told me yesterday morning that this was the title of his work in progress, I was hoping his answer would be "a comedy" when I asked the question "what kind of book is it?" Much to my dismay yet curiosity, he answered "a murder mystery of sorts." Hmmmmm... okay? It was then I realized my beautiful, innocent, soft and tender baby boy was growing (and at a rapid pace) into a beautiful, not so innocent, soft, sometimes hard, tender, sometimes tough, smart, no holds barred flat out boy. He is a boy, not even a young boy any more, a boy one year away from being a teenager. I cannot protect him like I use to be able to. Sure there are certain ways to hold off some of the harder lessons of life still, but it sure is tricky. What really drew me to this title however was not his quick minded plot about Al-Qaeda (yes, you read that correctly :o) But the fact that this is where I have been for the last two days "dead in bed".
I got into bed Friday afteroon and did not leave bed until this morning Sunday. Well, I did get out of bed to eat of course (come on.. what did you expect?) but then I would crawl back into bed and cry. I took breaks from my crying jags to watch a total of 20 "Friends" episodes. Yes, in one and a half days, I watched twenty epidsodes of friends. Let me clear things up for you. I started my menstrual cycle on Friday morning. By friday late afternoon I was a babbling, painful mess. My ovaries were throbbing to the tune of "Purple Haze".. that harsh and that out of control. And let's just say for sake of not grossing out out completely that I was flowing like the Mississippi river after a ten day rain storm. Horrible, horrible horrible. And my emotional/mental state matched all of the above. I was amess. Of course I was told this was part of the "cleansing process" so I avoided ibuprofen and braved it out. I cried and cried and cried and cried some more. I waved my fist at God, and roared at the heavens. I questioned my existence, my purpose, who am I now as a person, how will I ever go on with this new lifestyle, but mostly I didn't know why I was feeling such deep grief, so I just went with it. I laid there with a "do not disturb" sign on my door and it was heaven in hell. I tried to talk to a couple of my friends, but it didn't do me any good. And I knew life was attempting to get me to just sit with myself because most people weren't available yesterday. So I surrendered to the pain on every level.
I loved watching "Friends". It is my all time favorite show. That big beautiful apartment dropped smack dab in the middle of New York City. Do you know when I write that name New York City, by heart skips a beat. I love New York City, New York City, New York City. Mmmmmmmmm. The physical comedy on "Friends", the laughter the comraderie, the love... it all represents my dreams, my youth. It reminds me that I'm not finished yet. I'm not done with the sculpture of my life. I'm only about half way there. Unless of course I get hit by a bus today, then clearly, I was wrong. But I'm gonna bank on the fact that this won't happen. I still have another half to go. I am not sure how or where or why or whatever, but I do know there are several things about my life back home that I do not like. I see so clearly that the place I've been carving from has not been completely authentic. And the food and fat has helped me to cope with this. It's as if my body and life are both being sculpted at the same time. The one thing I do know for sure is that I love my son and will continue to love and stay and be his Mother forever. That's about all I know right now though.
Dead in Bed. I suppose we do die a sort of death when going through an intense program such as the one I am in the midst of right now. I suppose being Dead in Bed is necessary when a life a mind a body is changing tracks. It takes a lot of skill and stillness balanced with movement to guide a train going lightning speed onto another track. I would like to trust life more. I would like to trust life/God/Universe ... whatever you want to call it .... more. More more more. How do I surrender to the intelligence of life. I see the sun rise then set. I see the moon light up the dark. I see the trees swing in the breeze. I see the plants feed me oxygen. I watch as my body recovers so fast. I see life happening all around me and yet... yet... yet.... I don't belive quite yet that I am not in charge. I still can not distinguish between this body and this mind and God and Intelligence and Life and Me. Not this week anyways.
It's as if I interpret surrender as being clobbered. I have not accepted the fact yet that my life leading up to now has not been surrender, but resignation... which is just a mechanism to have life look the way I want it to look. Resignation.. I don't like the way this is going so maybe if I just lay down and pull the covers over my head, someone will notice how "dead in bed" I am and change things. How's that going? Ha. So I am interested today in this word "surrender". Trusting in the intelligence of life.. trusting in myself. Becoming acquainted again with the voice inside. Which one is the Truth? Which one is the one that Knows? How do I listen to this Voice and know it's not story? Or is it all Story? And do I just keep the good, loving, peaceful story? I don't know.
I look forward to this part of the journey though. I want to open more. I want to be open. I want my heart open more. Love, open to love. Not like romantic love, although.. as I said "I'm open".. but just love. Trust. Joy. How about some joy? "Got Joy?" I have a deep longing. I want to sing. I want to write. I want to be involved in the world. I feel I have things to say, to share. And I have this deep longing to connect to EVERYONE. I want to be connected to everyone. I want to feel connected to everyone. Everyone.
My blood sugar was 105 today apon rising. Wow.
Ph was down alot.. but apparently this is very typical during a menstrual cycle.
Candida was much better.
One week to go. Then a week's transistion.
Thanks for listening.. Sending you so much love. xoxox Steph
I got into bed Friday afteroon and did not leave bed until this morning Sunday. Well, I did get out of bed to eat of course (come on.. what did you expect?) but then I would crawl back into bed and cry. I took breaks from my crying jags to watch a total of 20 "Friends" episodes. Yes, in one and a half days, I watched twenty epidsodes of friends. Let me clear things up for you. I started my menstrual cycle on Friday morning. By friday late afternoon I was a babbling, painful mess. My ovaries were throbbing to the tune of "Purple Haze".. that harsh and that out of control. And let's just say for sake of not grossing out out completely that I was flowing like the Mississippi river after a ten day rain storm. Horrible, horrible horrible. And my emotional/mental state matched all of the above. I was amess. Of course I was told this was part of the "cleansing process" so I avoided ibuprofen and braved it out. I cried and cried and cried and cried some more. I waved my fist at God, and roared at the heavens. I questioned my existence, my purpose, who am I now as a person, how will I ever go on with this new lifestyle, but mostly I didn't know why I was feeling such deep grief, so I just went with it. I laid there with a "do not disturb" sign on my door and it was heaven in hell. I tried to talk to a couple of my friends, but it didn't do me any good. And I knew life was attempting to get me to just sit with myself because most people weren't available yesterday. So I surrendered to the pain on every level.
I loved watching "Friends". It is my all time favorite show. That big beautiful apartment dropped smack dab in the middle of New York City. Do you know when I write that name New York City, by heart skips a beat. I love New York City, New York City, New York City. Mmmmmmmmm. The physical comedy on "Friends", the laughter the comraderie, the love... it all represents my dreams, my youth. It reminds me that I'm not finished yet. I'm not done with the sculpture of my life. I'm only about half way there. Unless of course I get hit by a bus today, then clearly, I was wrong. But I'm gonna bank on the fact that this won't happen. I still have another half to go. I am not sure how or where or why or whatever, but I do know there are several things about my life back home that I do not like. I see so clearly that the place I've been carving from has not been completely authentic. And the food and fat has helped me to cope with this. It's as if my body and life are both being sculpted at the same time. The one thing I do know for sure is that I love my son and will continue to love and stay and be his Mother forever. That's about all I know right now though.
Dead in Bed. I suppose we do die a sort of death when going through an intense program such as the one I am in the midst of right now. I suppose being Dead in Bed is necessary when a life a mind a body is changing tracks. It takes a lot of skill and stillness balanced with movement to guide a train going lightning speed onto another track. I would like to trust life more. I would like to trust life/God/Universe ... whatever you want to call it .... more. More more more. How do I surrender to the intelligence of life. I see the sun rise then set. I see the moon light up the dark. I see the trees swing in the breeze. I see the plants feed me oxygen. I watch as my body recovers so fast. I see life happening all around me and yet... yet... yet.... I don't belive quite yet that I am not in charge. I still can not distinguish between this body and this mind and God and Intelligence and Life and Me. Not this week anyways.
It's as if I interpret surrender as being clobbered. I have not accepted the fact yet that my life leading up to now has not been surrender, but resignation... which is just a mechanism to have life look the way I want it to look. Resignation.. I don't like the way this is going so maybe if I just lay down and pull the covers over my head, someone will notice how "dead in bed" I am and change things. How's that going? Ha. So I am interested today in this word "surrender". Trusting in the intelligence of life.. trusting in myself. Becoming acquainted again with the voice inside. Which one is the Truth? Which one is the one that Knows? How do I listen to this Voice and know it's not story? Or is it all Story? And do I just keep the good, loving, peaceful story? I don't know.
I look forward to this part of the journey though. I want to open more. I want to be open. I want my heart open more. Love, open to love. Not like romantic love, although.. as I said "I'm open".. but just love. Trust. Joy. How about some joy? "Got Joy?" I have a deep longing. I want to sing. I want to write. I want to be involved in the world. I feel I have things to say, to share. And I have this deep longing to connect to EVERYONE. I want to be connected to everyone. I want to feel connected to everyone. Everyone.
My blood sugar was 105 today apon rising. Wow.
Ph was down alot.. but apparently this is very typical during a menstrual cycle.
Candida was much better.
One week to go. Then a week's transistion.
Thanks for listening.. Sending you so much love. xoxox Steph
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