Day 9... I love living raw foods and this is now my lifestyle.
Well, the first ten day program completes tomorrow. So my first group of friends are shipping out tomorrow. I will be staying on with my friends Glenda and Adrianne. Glenda is 79 years old and you'd think she was sixty. She's a beautiful black woman with salt and pepper hair, mostly pepper and she glows. She plays the piano and her smile could light up a room. She will stay on for the month like me. Adrianne JUST got here last night. She's very fiery and spunky. I like her alot. I think we might become good friends.
Then there is me. I am in detox war. I'm in "enema's up the wazoo" hell. Mornings are most difficult for me. First of all I don't sleep well and I need to find a way to sleep. I'm drained and tired and cranky. It also does not help my body to repair itself at night. My blood sugar was 130 this morning upon waking and although this is low and good, I'm not out of the woods yet. Bobby seems to think that once I sleep my blood sugar will drop. I think it's a weight thing. I believe I need to be loving and patient with myself as I take off this weight and rid myself of this candida. Also, the oatmeal and fruit is too starchy for me in the morning and this makes my blood sugar spike, so I can only have blended energy soup for b'fast... alot of fun! Between wheat grass and enema hell and rejuvalac (fermented drink that restores the healthy flora in the intestinal track and colon) and the energy soup... I feel like Crapola (this is very different then "Holy Crapola".. do not confuse the two for they are POLAR opposites.) My joints ache and my face has acne which I never have. I have rosacea so I look like a fat, acne ridden drunk irish lady. It's not pretty. And I'm loud to boot, so I act like one too. As a matter of fact anyone coming off the street who does not know me would take me out of here and throw me in a drunk tank. I'm angry too!! My food's been taken from me and suddenly I'm ANGRY!! This foodie wants her drug. Last night I sat in my room contemplating how I could break into the shop and steal some dehydrated sesame crackers! I already told on myself, so I don't want to hear of any anonymous tips being called into here.
I'm glad I am staying the month. I see how my body needed this. I am at a stand still with improvement after 8 days. My yeast are stagnent, my blood sugar is wavering just a bit... oh.. but I have lost ten and a half pounds... in just eight days. Today Bobby started me on 2 sprouted almonds for break/lunch/dinner and then 2 before bed. And two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar for break/lunch/dinner and two tbs. before bed. He said this will lower my blood sugar as well. My program will intensify starting on Friday. He wants me to only have one meal a day at lunch and have only blended foods for breakfast and dinner. I am off virtually all sugars right now. I am not craving sugar however, it is fat I crave. I crave the fat. I'm a fat junkie. There was think avacado dressing out last night and the minite it hit my lips, ooohhhhh. I wanted to strip, rub it all over my body and dance the dance of ecstacy! If I had a syringe, I have shot that baby right into my bloodstream. Hmmmm.... maybe the addiction still has me just a little?
Actually, I do still believe it's the mind. Don't get me wrong, my body aches and I smell like raw onions all the time and I am bright red. However; an even bigger part of this detoxification process is my mind and emotions. They go hand in hand. I am having memories like I haven't had in years. I have remembered parts of my past that would drive anyone to stuf their face. I don't say this from a feel bad from me point of view.. we all have our cross to bear so to speak. I say this simply because it's the truth and if anyone ever tells you differently .. their a big fat liar.. pardon the pun. The biggest part of this program for me has been and eye opening dose of the lack of self care I have bestowed on myself over the years. I thought my job was to take care of others before myself. Actually that's a lie, I knew that was not really the way of it.. however; it felt only right. I have been doing it for so long that I haven't known how not to. And I am learning that I deserve love too. That it is up to me to have compassion for me. It is up to me to love and groom myself. Up to me what I put in this mouth and body. It is up to me if I choose to wake up and do my practice. Up to me whether or not I question my mind. It's all up to me. This is hard to get when you don't like you are taking care of. It's difficult to bestow love onto someone when you think they are second rate. And I don't think this anymore. No way, no how.
I have been the one who has turned my back on myself. I have been the one who has been distugsted with the way I look, the way of my life. I have abandoned me. Not all the time, but some of it. And it won't happen for another minute. Something is happening here for me. I have a ways to go. Something is definitely shifting though. I feel as if my life is just beginning. As if it's all gone perfectly. And I am finally starting to toy with allowing myself the glory that I have seeked. Baby steps. I don't know how I will do it all. I don't know how I'll affored a dehydrator and other stuff for a living raw foods kitchen.. but I'll figure it out. I don't how the transition home will be, but I'll figure it out. I don't know how long it will take me to lose all the weight and get rid of this candida and be 100% stable with sugar.. but I'll figure it out. Or maybe I won't have to. Perhaps ... just like this body knows what it's doing without me "figuring it out".. just maybe ... just maybe so does life. Just maybe with the intentions I have it will all just fall into place... money, equipment, the future (which is a hoax by the way... oh here comes the future.. it's ..it's NOW.) Just maybe it's all already happened and I just don't know it yet. Maybe I should drop the maybe.
Whatever the way of the wizard is, I know one thing for sure. I am now converted to a living raw foods diet. It's working for me. I know this. Just like when i discovered the Work of Byron Katie.. I was lost at first, but I knew that was my new way of life. I knew it was for me. This is where I am at now with this lifestyle. It will take time, patience and love. But now I love my subject. Now I have deep compassion for this body I have been assigned on this trip. Now I stand and hold my experience with open arms and willingness. No one can reject me now. For I have embraced myself. No one can turn their back on me now, I won't be able to see it because I have faced myself. Noone can inflict abuse on me anymore because I have stopped abusing myself.
I have chosen a living raw foods lifestyle. Holy crapoli.
My world is changing here. As miserable as I feel sometimes, as painful as it can be and as drunk as I look... my world is changing here.
Until tomorrow friends... xoxo Steph
Then there is me. I am in detox war. I'm in "enema's up the wazoo" hell. Mornings are most difficult for me. First of all I don't sleep well and I need to find a way to sleep. I'm drained and tired and cranky. It also does not help my body to repair itself at night. My blood sugar was 130 this morning upon waking and although this is low and good, I'm not out of the woods yet. Bobby seems to think that once I sleep my blood sugar will drop. I think it's a weight thing. I believe I need to be loving and patient with myself as I take off this weight and rid myself of this candida. Also, the oatmeal and fruit is too starchy for me in the morning and this makes my blood sugar spike, so I can only have blended energy soup for b'fast... alot of fun! Between wheat grass and enema hell and rejuvalac (fermented drink that restores the healthy flora in the intestinal track and colon) and the energy soup... I feel like Crapola (this is very different then "Holy Crapola".. do not confuse the two for they are POLAR opposites.) My joints ache and my face has acne which I never have. I have rosacea so I look like a fat, acne ridden drunk irish lady. It's not pretty. And I'm loud to boot, so I act like one too. As a matter of fact anyone coming off the street who does not know me would take me out of here and throw me in a drunk tank. I'm angry too!! My food's been taken from me and suddenly I'm ANGRY!! This foodie wants her drug. Last night I sat in my room contemplating how I could break into the shop and steal some dehydrated sesame crackers! I already told on myself, so I don't want to hear of any anonymous tips being called into here.
I'm glad I am staying the month. I see how my body needed this. I am at a stand still with improvement after 8 days. My yeast are stagnent, my blood sugar is wavering just a bit... oh.. but I have lost ten and a half pounds... in just eight days. Today Bobby started me on 2 sprouted almonds for break/lunch/dinner and then 2 before bed. And two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar for break/lunch/dinner and two tbs. before bed. He said this will lower my blood sugar as well. My program will intensify starting on Friday. He wants me to only have one meal a day at lunch and have only blended foods for breakfast and dinner. I am off virtually all sugars right now. I am not craving sugar however, it is fat I crave. I crave the fat. I'm a fat junkie. There was think avacado dressing out last night and the minite it hit my lips, ooohhhhh. I wanted to strip, rub it all over my body and dance the dance of ecstacy! If I had a syringe, I have shot that baby right into my bloodstream. Hmmmm.... maybe the addiction still has me just a little?
Actually, I do still believe it's the mind. Don't get me wrong, my body aches and I smell like raw onions all the time and I am bright red. However; an even bigger part of this detoxification process is my mind and emotions. They go hand in hand. I am having memories like I haven't had in years. I have remembered parts of my past that would drive anyone to stuf their face. I don't say this from a feel bad from me point of view.. we all have our cross to bear so to speak. I say this simply because it's the truth and if anyone ever tells you differently .. their a big fat liar.. pardon the pun. The biggest part of this program for me has been and eye opening dose of the lack of self care I have bestowed on myself over the years. I thought my job was to take care of others before myself. Actually that's a lie, I knew that was not really the way of it.. however; it felt only right. I have been doing it for so long that I haven't known how not to. And I am learning that I deserve love too. That it is up to me to have compassion for me. It is up to me to love and groom myself. Up to me what I put in this mouth and body. It is up to me if I choose to wake up and do my practice. Up to me whether or not I question my mind. It's all up to me. This is hard to get when you don't like you are taking care of. It's difficult to bestow love onto someone when you think they are second rate. And I don't think this anymore. No way, no how.
I have been the one who has turned my back on myself. I have been the one who has been distugsted with the way I look, the way of my life. I have abandoned me. Not all the time, but some of it. And it won't happen for another minute. Something is happening here for me. I have a ways to go. Something is definitely shifting though. I feel as if my life is just beginning. As if it's all gone perfectly. And I am finally starting to toy with allowing myself the glory that I have seeked. Baby steps. I don't know how I will do it all. I don't know how I'll affored a dehydrator and other stuff for a living raw foods kitchen.. but I'll figure it out. I don't how the transition home will be, but I'll figure it out. I don't know how long it will take me to lose all the weight and get rid of this candida and be 100% stable with sugar.. but I'll figure it out. Or maybe I won't have to. Perhaps ... just like this body knows what it's doing without me "figuring it out".. just maybe ... just maybe so does life. Just maybe with the intentions I have it will all just fall into place... money, equipment, the future (which is a hoax by the way... oh here comes the future.. it's ..it's NOW.) Just maybe it's all already happened and I just don't know it yet. Maybe I should drop the maybe.
Whatever the way of the wizard is, I know one thing for sure. I am now converted to a living raw foods diet. It's working for me. I know this. Just like when i discovered the Work of Byron Katie.. I was lost at first, but I knew that was my new way of life. I knew it was for me. This is where I am at now with this lifestyle. It will take time, patience and love. But now I love my subject. Now I have deep compassion for this body I have been assigned on this trip. Now I stand and hold my experience with open arms and willingness. No one can reject me now. For I have embraced myself. No one can turn their back on me now, I won't be able to see it because I have faced myself. Noone can inflict abuse on me anymore because I have stopped abusing myself.
I have chosen a living raw foods lifestyle. Holy crapoli.
My world is changing here. As miserable as I feel sometimes, as painful as it can be and as drunk as I look... my world is changing here.
Until tomorrow friends... xoxo Steph
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