I am loved because of what this body looks like.
How's that for a concept? "I am loved because of what this body looks like." "I deserve love and relationship only when this body looks thin and lean." "My complete and utter worth is based on the condition of this body."
Wow. I'll say it backwards... wow.
I have now been living my new lifestyle for 35 days. But whose freakin' counting? I love my new life. Even the glitches, the karma that is catching up with me. The residue of the old way of living. I even love that. It is challenging me to see things differently. I screwed up my fastlane account with all the travelling I did. I gave them the wrong credit card number and I got a notice in the mail charging me $150 to correct this. I didn't care. I smiled and thought "oh well." A couple other things have happened like this .. you know a month away, travel, things don't go so smooth when you have given up the role of making everything perfect. And I smile and think "oh well." It's so freeing. I have lost 32 lbs. to date. I am still eating a complete living raw foods diet. The skin of this body glows, the eyes of this body are clear. The mind is solid and still a little fucked up at times I must say.
I am seeing my Achilles heal in this life. Straight on... eye to eye... facing the hard ass, no mercy, kick me when I'm down mother bleepin' Achilles heal called my eating disorder. I've always hated that word. I have an "eating disorder" fuck that. It is so true though. And I see it so clearly right now. You know how? Let me indulge you....
Nobody is rejecting me anymore. I have people telling me how beautiful I am. How great I look. Nobody is rejecting me anymore (maybe they never did). And I still feel ashamed when I look in a mirror. Without mirrors, I'm fine. I have no full length mirrors in my house. They all stop just above my waist. I hate mirrors. I had one of my very good male friends over this weekend. It was awesome. I love this man, we are talking adoration. Love him. We always have the most magnificent conversations. Completely out of left field, not to be expected, mind blowing conversations. I felt such a flow of love and appreciation. A balanced give/take in our connection. This man loved me and cared for me and refrained from judging me while offering me his observations. He left and I felt such peace and excitement really. I wasn't a body. I was all mind with him. We danced and sang and just hung out in life and body followed mind, because I wasn't a body. Well.... I went to dance class tonight and collapsed internally. I was surrounded by mirrors. My body was reflected to me everywhere. And even though it is 32 lbs. lighter... it wasn't enough. Even though it has healed from diabetes, it wasn't enough. Even though I am vibrating from head to toe and sending love out into the universe at lightning speed, it wasn't enough because all I saw was fat. I didn't see anything else. I didn't see my beautiful smile as I became one with the rhythm. I didn't see my pink cheeks as they blended perfectly with my white skin because my heart was getting a phenomenal workout. All I saw was fat. I saw all the skinny girls in their tight asses and perky breasts and I was fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat! Even though Franny our teacher had me show the whole class how to do the steps correctly because I was the only one who got it and understood... it wasn't enough because I had no worth in that class tonight. I was fat.
I am inundated with this story. As I write this tears fall from my eyes. How will I ever overcome this belief that I have invested in my whole life??? I believed my beautiful best male friend could not love me. He must have been mistaken me for someone else. He must have thought he was at someone else's house. It couldn't have been me. All the compliments and support coming my way, MUST be a mistake. I'm not all that. I am fat. And then I saw it. This eating disorder. It isn't about the food at all. My food is perfect. I'm doing great and yet, I look in a mirror and hate myself because I think I am this body. I feel guilty when I look beautiful. I have tucked myself away and hidden for years. Refusing to shine. Refusing to utilize my God given gifts on the top of the list is love. I am a loving person and when I look in a mirror, it's gone.
This is a confusing place to be. Even more so, it is painful. Here I expose myself to you, vulnerable, open, weak and scared. How will I ever change my mind about this? I don't know how to do it. I figure EVERYTHING OUT. I am innovative this way. And I am at a loss with this one.
For now I will do what I always do that makes me open.. I will sit with myself and not leave myself. I will hold and carress my heart as it bleeds the tears of years and years of self loathe because of the thought I am a damn body. I will listen to my voice as it moans in agony over the abyss of rejection I have placed on my life. The void, the terror, the misconceptions. I will sit in the bath I just drew and cry. As I face this demon and continue to allow myself to blossom into everything I already am but don't know yet. Nobody will get in my way this time. I am devoted to my own heart. My own self and NOBODY will ever again stop me from doing this. I will not allow it. Please don't hear this as blame. It is not. I am accountable for being the trainer. I trained all of my reflections to treat me a certain way. I trained them that I would take the back seat, the back burner, I would make myself not matter in exchange for love... or for what I thought was love. It was all me. And now I am done with that forever.
I will go and sit in the warm water I just drew for myself. I will go sit and bathe in complete acceptance. Perhaps not of this body yet. But instead I will bathe in light. I will turn this healing... this huge healing of the mind and my tortured warped perception of who I think I am over to God.. to life... to the great knowing. Left to my own devices with "this one" I will lose. My ego holds onto this one like there is no tomorrow. My ego loves this one, treasures it, nurtures it. This shadow that hangs over me. This shame this shame this shame... I am fat I am fat I am fat. I will go and bathe in the light of accepting that I don't accept that I am worthy this evening. I accept my eating disordered thinking with all of my heart. I accept 100% that I think I am this body, this fat and that I do not deserve love because of the way this body looks.
I will sit with myself until every tear has been cried. Until the tears turn to laughter.. you know that fine line we walk between crying and laughing. I will not turn my back on mySelf again.
I can dance. This body moved tonight. I am good. And it wasn't enough. All I saw was fat. But you know what? I still danced. I stayed and I danced. And I knew that even this is temporary. I will prevail. I know this to be true. I will learn that I am not this body. I will learn that I am worthy just as I am. I will. I will. I will.
I am love. I am kindess. I am mercy. It just has to be this way. Until it is, I will sit.
Even this is only a moment. A moment. I just cannot know what is next.
xoxox Love and Hugs... Steph (Keep reading)
I just received this email.. this very moment... from my dance teacher. She wrote me this very moment as I was writing this post... the very moment.. please read below:
"Hey Stephy,
You were wonderful tonight...right on top of the game. Thank you for being my second pair of eyes!!! it was splendid how you caught that last three (not four) steps before the step ball change. I swear nobody got that but YOU my dear. A big thanks for being my kindred spirit!!!!
Fun tonight!!!
Just wanted to see how you are and tell you that I love it when you are in class. You my dear are sooooo beautiful. I could watch you dance all day. You love it like I love it...with a sort of compassionate touch. Thank you for being in my life.
Much love,
Fran"
Ha! Love will prevail. I am love.. I will prevail. Maybe not tonight.... do not underestimate Me dear ego. Do not.
Wow. I'll say it backwards... wow.
I have now been living my new lifestyle for 35 days. But whose freakin' counting? I love my new life. Even the glitches, the karma that is catching up with me. The residue of the old way of living. I even love that. It is challenging me to see things differently. I screwed up my fastlane account with all the travelling I did. I gave them the wrong credit card number and I got a notice in the mail charging me $150 to correct this. I didn't care. I smiled and thought "oh well." A couple other things have happened like this .. you know a month away, travel, things don't go so smooth when you have given up the role of making everything perfect. And I smile and think "oh well." It's so freeing. I have lost 32 lbs. to date. I am still eating a complete living raw foods diet. The skin of this body glows, the eyes of this body are clear. The mind is solid and still a little fucked up at times I must say.
I am seeing my Achilles heal in this life. Straight on... eye to eye... facing the hard ass, no mercy, kick me when I'm down mother bleepin' Achilles heal called my eating disorder. I've always hated that word. I have an "eating disorder" fuck that. It is so true though. And I see it so clearly right now. You know how? Let me indulge you....
Nobody is rejecting me anymore. I have people telling me how beautiful I am. How great I look. Nobody is rejecting me anymore (maybe they never did). And I still feel ashamed when I look in a mirror. Without mirrors, I'm fine. I have no full length mirrors in my house. They all stop just above my waist. I hate mirrors. I had one of my very good male friends over this weekend. It was awesome. I love this man, we are talking adoration. Love him. We always have the most magnificent conversations. Completely out of left field, not to be expected, mind blowing conversations. I felt such a flow of love and appreciation. A balanced give/take in our connection. This man loved me and cared for me and refrained from judging me while offering me his observations. He left and I felt such peace and excitement really. I wasn't a body. I was all mind with him. We danced and sang and just hung out in life and body followed mind, because I wasn't a body. Well.... I went to dance class tonight and collapsed internally. I was surrounded by mirrors. My body was reflected to me everywhere. And even though it is 32 lbs. lighter... it wasn't enough. Even though it has healed from diabetes, it wasn't enough. Even though I am vibrating from head to toe and sending love out into the universe at lightning speed, it wasn't enough because all I saw was fat. I didn't see anything else. I didn't see my beautiful smile as I became one with the rhythm. I didn't see my pink cheeks as they blended perfectly with my white skin because my heart was getting a phenomenal workout. All I saw was fat. I saw all the skinny girls in their tight asses and perky breasts and I was fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat! Even though Franny our teacher had me show the whole class how to do the steps correctly because I was the only one who got it and understood... it wasn't enough because I had no worth in that class tonight. I was fat.
I am inundated with this story. As I write this tears fall from my eyes. How will I ever overcome this belief that I have invested in my whole life??? I believed my beautiful best male friend could not love me. He must have been mistaken me for someone else. He must have thought he was at someone else's house. It couldn't have been me. All the compliments and support coming my way, MUST be a mistake. I'm not all that. I am fat. And then I saw it. This eating disorder. It isn't about the food at all. My food is perfect. I'm doing great and yet, I look in a mirror and hate myself because I think I am this body. I feel guilty when I look beautiful. I have tucked myself away and hidden for years. Refusing to shine. Refusing to utilize my God given gifts on the top of the list is love. I am a loving person and when I look in a mirror, it's gone.
This is a confusing place to be. Even more so, it is painful. Here I expose myself to you, vulnerable, open, weak and scared. How will I ever change my mind about this? I don't know how to do it. I figure EVERYTHING OUT. I am innovative this way. And I am at a loss with this one.
For now I will do what I always do that makes me open.. I will sit with myself and not leave myself. I will hold and carress my heart as it bleeds the tears of years and years of self loathe because of the thought I am a damn body. I will listen to my voice as it moans in agony over the abyss of rejection I have placed on my life. The void, the terror, the misconceptions. I will sit in the bath I just drew and cry. As I face this demon and continue to allow myself to blossom into everything I already am but don't know yet. Nobody will get in my way this time. I am devoted to my own heart. My own self and NOBODY will ever again stop me from doing this. I will not allow it. Please don't hear this as blame. It is not. I am accountable for being the trainer. I trained all of my reflections to treat me a certain way. I trained them that I would take the back seat, the back burner, I would make myself not matter in exchange for love... or for what I thought was love. It was all me. And now I am done with that forever.
I will go and sit in the warm water I just drew for myself. I will go sit and bathe in complete acceptance. Perhaps not of this body yet. But instead I will bathe in light. I will turn this healing... this huge healing of the mind and my tortured warped perception of who I think I am over to God.. to life... to the great knowing. Left to my own devices with "this one" I will lose. My ego holds onto this one like there is no tomorrow. My ego loves this one, treasures it, nurtures it. This shadow that hangs over me. This shame this shame this shame... I am fat I am fat I am fat. I will go and bathe in the light of accepting that I don't accept that I am worthy this evening. I accept my eating disordered thinking with all of my heart. I accept 100% that I think I am this body, this fat and that I do not deserve love because of the way this body looks.
I will sit with myself until every tear has been cried. Until the tears turn to laughter.. you know that fine line we walk between crying and laughing. I will not turn my back on mySelf again.
I can dance. This body moved tonight. I am good. And it wasn't enough. All I saw was fat. But you know what? I still danced. I stayed and I danced. And I knew that even this is temporary. I will prevail. I know this to be true. I will learn that I am not this body. I will learn that I am worthy just as I am. I will. I will. I will.
I am love. I am kindess. I am mercy. It just has to be this way. Until it is, I will sit.
Even this is only a moment. A moment. I just cannot know what is next.
xoxox Love and Hugs... Steph (Keep reading)
I just received this email.. this very moment... from my dance teacher. She wrote me this very moment as I was writing this post... the very moment.. please read below:
"Hey Stephy,
You were wonderful tonight...right on top of the game. Thank you for being my second pair of eyes!!! it was splendid how you caught that last three (not four) steps before the step ball change. I swear nobody got that but YOU my dear. A big thanks for being my kindred spirit!!!!
Fun tonight!!!
Just wanted to see how you are and tell you that I love it when you are in class. You my dear are sooooo beautiful. I could watch you dance all day. You love it like I love it...with a sort of compassionate touch. Thank you for being in my life.
Much love,
Fran"
Ha! Love will prevail. I am love.. I will prevail. Maybe not tonight.... do not underestimate Me dear ego. Do not.
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