Love
I should tell myself that I love myself when I find victory. When I have succeeded and done a good job. When I am in alignment with life, when I have been kind, honest and loyal, I should tell myelf that I love myself. And when I have failed... when I have been sloppy, messy, unpredictable and unprepared. When I have made a mess out of life, my mind and my relationships... I should tell my self I love myself even more.
My food continues to be on track. I have lost 55 lbs. total. My blood sugar has been a little up and down, but still I have no diabetes. Even when it's a little up it is not in diabetic range and I know exactly what to do to correct that. Candida is almost gone. PH is still lingering at about 6.5. My heart rate resting at 76. I am dancing again! I move my body often. I intend to start running again in the not too distant future. For now I dance, walk and rebound.
My EED (Egoic Eating Disorder) takes me hostage now and again still, but I am so privvy to it. I see it crucify me now. You know when I am with others... either in a group or with another individual, I know my purpose. I feel the love, the connection. Then I am home and alone and it's a very very bad neighborhood in this head. The committee starts in. I am very confident and find great peace however in the knowing that this is in fact very much here for me. The whole set up is here for me. I am alone a good 75 to 80 percent of the time. This has occurred for awhile now. Not a coincidence at all. It is forcing me, helping me, guiding me to sit. Sit in the dark, the quiet as I get to know this mind. It has been treacherous. It has been unbearable at times... and it's working.
My "EED" bashes me contantly. I see now this may be with me on this trip until the end. As Byron Katie says "When I believe my thoughts I suffer, when I don't believe my thoughts, I don't suffer" ... So I do the work so the thoughts can move on. I see them in my mind, hear them in the wind, feel them on my skin and when I don't inquire I suffer and badly. I can't move in those moments. I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head. I can't move. Then I sit. I sit and listen. I sit and listen and watch. And it happens. They let me go.
I reject form. I am starting to see this about myself. It's a little confusing for me because I really do with all of my heart and every part of my being believe that this body and all form is illusion. I get this so deeply. It's illusion, not who I am. AND here I am on this trip. With a body. With furniture, with friends who have bodies, with a car and a son who has a body. And I reject it. I am not at peace. I cannot find the beauty in it all yet. And this is the flip side of the coin you know. I get angry with those who idolize the body and form and in my own peculiar way, I do the same exact thing by rejecting that it is part of me on this trip. So I ache today.
I ache because I am no longer using food to avoid this conflict in my life. I sit right now and my body is healing. I eat nothing but nutrient dense living raw food. So I am feeding and caring for (in a very deep way) this form that I reject. I feel attracted to other forms, I am not eating that away anymore either. I want love in my life. I want relationship and I know this has to include form on this trip. It just does. I know this is in fact my deepest lesson... how do I accept and participate in this "form game" while knowing in my deepest place that it is not who I am? How do I do this? I see myself shut down, shut off, I see my "EED" beat the living shit out of me. I see it character bash every inch of me. And still I sit. I sit and ache and smile and ache and feel joy and love and hate and attempt to embrace it all. I am not always so graceful.
I notice lately that I want someone to love me for exactly who I am. I want to you to walk toward me even when I push away. I know in my mind this is my job. However; my mind is split right now. How do I LOVE ME no matter what?
Today I sit. Today I nourish myself with time. How long can I stand to sit with myself?? How long will I tolerate this ache? How much time will I give myself? I would give you forever. Can I do the same for myself?
My food continues to be on track. I have lost 55 lbs. total. My blood sugar has been a little up and down, but still I have no diabetes. Even when it's a little up it is not in diabetic range and I know exactly what to do to correct that. Candida is almost gone. PH is still lingering at about 6.5. My heart rate resting at 76. I am dancing again! I move my body often. I intend to start running again in the not too distant future. For now I dance, walk and rebound.
My EED (Egoic Eating Disorder) takes me hostage now and again still, but I am so privvy to it. I see it crucify me now. You know when I am with others... either in a group or with another individual, I know my purpose. I feel the love, the connection. Then I am home and alone and it's a very very bad neighborhood in this head. The committee starts in. I am very confident and find great peace however in the knowing that this is in fact very much here for me. The whole set up is here for me. I am alone a good 75 to 80 percent of the time. This has occurred for awhile now. Not a coincidence at all. It is forcing me, helping me, guiding me to sit. Sit in the dark, the quiet as I get to know this mind. It has been treacherous. It has been unbearable at times... and it's working.
My "EED" bashes me contantly. I see now this may be with me on this trip until the end. As Byron Katie says "When I believe my thoughts I suffer, when I don't believe my thoughts, I don't suffer" ... So I do the work so the thoughts can move on. I see them in my mind, hear them in the wind, feel them on my skin and when I don't inquire I suffer and badly. I can't move in those moments. I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head. I can't move. Then I sit. I sit and listen. I sit and listen and watch. And it happens. They let me go.
I reject form. I am starting to see this about myself. It's a little confusing for me because I really do with all of my heart and every part of my being believe that this body and all form is illusion. I get this so deeply. It's illusion, not who I am. AND here I am on this trip. With a body. With furniture, with friends who have bodies, with a car and a son who has a body. And I reject it. I am not at peace. I cannot find the beauty in it all yet. And this is the flip side of the coin you know. I get angry with those who idolize the body and form and in my own peculiar way, I do the same exact thing by rejecting that it is part of me on this trip. So I ache today.
I ache because I am no longer using food to avoid this conflict in my life. I sit right now and my body is healing. I eat nothing but nutrient dense living raw food. So I am feeding and caring for (in a very deep way) this form that I reject. I feel attracted to other forms, I am not eating that away anymore either. I want love in my life. I want relationship and I know this has to include form on this trip. It just does. I know this is in fact my deepest lesson... how do I accept and participate in this "form game" while knowing in my deepest place that it is not who I am? How do I do this? I see myself shut down, shut off, I see my "EED" beat the living shit out of me. I see it character bash every inch of me. And still I sit. I sit and ache and smile and ache and feel joy and love and hate and attempt to embrace it all. I am not always so graceful.
I notice lately that I want someone to love me for exactly who I am. I want to you to walk toward me even when I push away. I know in my mind this is my job. However; my mind is split right now. How do I LOVE ME no matter what?
Today I sit. Today I nourish myself with time. How long can I stand to sit with myself?? How long will I tolerate this ache? How much time will I give myself? I would give you forever. Can I do the same for myself?
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