January 17th, 2012, 1:15pm - 11 years ago today my beautiful mother Geraldine Todesco Campbell departed from this life.
She was a unique soul who had to navigate her way through a tumultuous and severe mental illness. This was exacerbated by my father's early departure at only 41 years young. Geraldine was funny, smart, intuitive, empathetic, big hearted, generous, hilarious, funny, funny, funny, did I mention funny as HELL? She was caring, wise, and when she was well was deeply remorseful of how her illness affected her three children.
Recovering and healing from our childhood has been nearly impossible at times. My mother's schizoaffective disorder put me on a path where saving my own soul and learning how to navigate my own internal wounds had to be my priority. So this is what I have dedicated my life to. My commitment to healing and development gave my son a good childhood and ensured him a competant, reliable, and loving mother. It has given my friends and loved ones someone they can rely upon.
I love my mother. We were never very close, even when she passed on. Although I feel our relationship was as healed as it could be before her death, not having a mother to encourage me and stand by me and love me was incredibly difficult. Over the years some have said to me "you had 'others' who loved you." Although this is true, not having my mother was devastating and there was no way for the 'others' who loved me to make up for this - it was impossible. It was helpful and necessary but life is simply not designed that way. My mother had deep unresolved remorse about this. Now that I am a mother I understand this must have been horrible for her.
I will speak only for myself but suffice it to say that the trauma my siblings and I incurred was no small feat. It left each of us to bear our own individual cross and also collective. Make no mistake about it, it impacted all of our lives greatly. And if my mother were here she would want all of you to know this. If my mother (and father) were alive they would want me shouting as loudly as possible off the rooftop in order to help other families to know there is support for this out there.
Mom - if you can hear me - which some days I believe you can and some days I question it - but in the chance you can - I want you to know that I have devoted my life to voicing my healing process in honor of you, and dad. I am a compassionate advocate for mental health awareness and mind/body/emotion healing and awareness. My work is devoted to sharing my story so that anyone who is affected by any kind of mental illness (by either having it or living with someone else with it) have the information they need in order to get help and have the chance to have a good life. I share my story of sickness into health with unabashed passion and generosity, because of you.
You are the reason for my story and I will always speak of you with love and tenderness and understanding. Even on the days that I still struggle.
I hope wherever you are today you are smoking up a storm and sitting at the kitchen table in the great beyond drinking coffee galore.
I love you with all of my heart.
All my love - Steph xoxo
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