I know for sure...
"When you know that there is enough, you stop competing with others. You stop competing for love, or money, or sex, or power, or whatever it is you felt there was not enough of. The competition is over." - Communion With God by Neil Donald Walsh.
I have not stopped competing as a rule. Sometimes I stop, but then I stop stopping and compete. Walsh goes onto say "This alters everything. Now instead of competing with others to get what you want, you begin to give what you want away. The reason for this is clear. It has nothing to do with the fact that what you have done is "morally right," or "spiritualy enlightened," or the "Will of God". It has to do with a simple truth: There is noone else in the room. There is only one of us."
I love this! Oh don't get me wrong, I am not so generous all the time. I eat becaus I believe in lack. I use food to fill this black velvet void that I believe lives somewhere inside of me (wherever the hell that is), when the addiction has come for a visit. I heard from an acquaintance of mine tonight. She read my blog and said that she was sorry I was struggling so much and that she wished she could take the struggle away. I was so confused hearing this. I'm not struggling, I feel better than I have in my whole life, I've just decided to talk openly about how I believe my thoughts and therefore act on them. I also wondered why she wanted to take it away from me. What if this "struggle" as she called it, is my way back home to myself and God? Why would she want to take that from me? I want to be clear about something regarding this blog, it is not sympathy writing. I don't need to be saved or rescued. I simply believe that change starts with me, so I have decided to write about mine. To document both my light and dark. When I read her comment, I thought "There is noone else in the room".. what part of me wants to take away the scary parts? What part of me has judged it scary? What part of me thinks I'm struggling? The part that wants everyone else to take my health serious so I don't have to. The part of me that wants to be acknowledged and supported in my recovery from dysfunctional thinking so I wait for someone to "understand me" as oppossed to "understand" someone else and while I'm on my way to them perhaps make a pitstop and understand myself. What am I competing for? What ridiculous competition have I made up in this head? Compete to be: The skinniest, the most fit, the smartest, the most famous, the best singer, the best dancer, the fattest, the sickest, the quickest to heal, the best Mother, the most spiritual, the most beautiful fat person, the most beautiful person period. Hmmm what else? The richest, the poorest (oh yes, I'll do anything to be the best at something even if it's the best at losing.. don't pity me.. you do it too.) Oh yes.. the best in bed, the most powerful, the wittiest, the funniest... I could go on and on .. don't make me, I will. Why? Because I am a glutton for your approval? I don't know about you but the people I have put in charge of approving of me are um.. hmm.. how do I put this??? NOT QUALIFIED. I am an approval slut. I will do anything for you approval. Not really, but yup sometimes. I compete until I sit and breathe and believe there is already enough.
So what if there is already enough? Katie says.. "I'd drop the what if"... Okay.. there is already enough. Wow, that feels really good. There is already enough. There is enough. There is enough.. Say it, it feels really good. I'm going to go to bed saying "There is already enough." and Wake up saying it as well. I've decided I'm done. Eleven days of being off the wagon. I had months of self care and I fell off for eleven days. I disrespected myself with food. I've missed my own respect, how great is that? I know I'm finished. I did my work this week. I Byron Katied myself and I am done. I set up my kitchen tonight to support complete self care. I promise you (promise me, there is noone else in the room) that tomorrow night my writing will reflect complete self care in the area of food. I still may have to jot down a few dark thoughts.. but this will not be projected onto my food tomorrow. I know this to be true. I am giving away all my love and good thoughts tonight to cyberspace to you whoever may read this. I am back on the wagon. I had my shake today with bluleberries, tomorrow I will add in green smoothies.. I know, I know.. I'll believe it when I see it.. in this case.. I'll see it when I believe it and sweet friend.. I BELIEVE!
There is already enough. There is already enough. Enough love, laughter, wittiness, fame, fortune, beauty.. etc. There is already enough. Here is the green smoothie recipe I will have tomorrow:
Spinach
Mint
Pineapple
Water.... Yum!!! It tastes way better than it sounds.. Go get the Green Smoothie book damnit!
Love Steph
I have not stopped competing as a rule. Sometimes I stop, but then I stop stopping and compete. Walsh goes onto say "This alters everything. Now instead of competing with others to get what you want, you begin to give what you want away. The reason for this is clear. It has nothing to do with the fact that what you have done is "morally right," or "spiritualy enlightened," or the "Will of God". It has to do with a simple truth: There is noone else in the room. There is only one of us."
I love this! Oh don't get me wrong, I am not so generous all the time. I eat becaus I believe in lack. I use food to fill this black velvet void that I believe lives somewhere inside of me (wherever the hell that is), when the addiction has come for a visit. I heard from an acquaintance of mine tonight. She read my blog and said that she was sorry I was struggling so much and that she wished she could take the struggle away. I was so confused hearing this. I'm not struggling, I feel better than I have in my whole life, I've just decided to talk openly about how I believe my thoughts and therefore act on them. I also wondered why she wanted to take it away from me. What if this "struggle" as she called it, is my way back home to myself and God? Why would she want to take that from me? I want to be clear about something regarding this blog, it is not sympathy writing. I don't need to be saved or rescued. I simply believe that change starts with me, so I have decided to write about mine. To document both my light and dark. When I read her comment, I thought "There is noone else in the room".. what part of me wants to take away the scary parts? What part of me has judged it scary? What part of me thinks I'm struggling? The part that wants everyone else to take my health serious so I don't have to. The part of me that wants to be acknowledged and supported in my recovery from dysfunctional thinking so I wait for someone to "understand me" as oppossed to "understand" someone else and while I'm on my way to them perhaps make a pitstop and understand myself. What am I competing for? What ridiculous competition have I made up in this head? Compete to be: The skinniest, the most fit, the smartest, the most famous, the best singer, the best dancer, the fattest, the sickest, the quickest to heal, the best Mother, the most spiritual, the most beautiful fat person, the most beautiful person period. Hmmm what else? The richest, the poorest (oh yes, I'll do anything to be the best at something even if it's the best at losing.. don't pity me.. you do it too.) Oh yes.. the best in bed, the most powerful, the wittiest, the funniest... I could go on and on .. don't make me, I will. Why? Because I am a glutton for your approval? I don't know about you but the people I have put in charge of approving of me are um.. hmm.. how do I put this??? NOT QUALIFIED. I am an approval slut. I will do anything for you approval. Not really, but yup sometimes. I compete until I sit and breathe and believe there is already enough.
So what if there is already enough? Katie says.. "I'd drop the what if"... Okay.. there is already enough. Wow, that feels really good. There is already enough. There is enough. There is enough.. Say it, it feels really good. I'm going to go to bed saying "There is already enough." and Wake up saying it as well. I've decided I'm done. Eleven days of being off the wagon. I had months of self care and I fell off for eleven days. I disrespected myself with food. I've missed my own respect, how great is that? I know I'm finished. I did my work this week. I Byron Katied myself and I am done. I set up my kitchen tonight to support complete self care. I promise you (promise me, there is noone else in the room) that tomorrow night my writing will reflect complete self care in the area of food. I still may have to jot down a few dark thoughts.. but this will not be projected onto my food tomorrow. I know this to be true. I am giving away all my love and good thoughts tonight to cyberspace to you whoever may read this. I am back on the wagon. I had my shake today with bluleberries, tomorrow I will add in green smoothies.. I know, I know.. I'll believe it when I see it.. in this case.. I'll see it when I believe it and sweet friend.. I BELIEVE!
There is already enough. There is already enough. Enough love, laughter, wittiness, fame, fortune, beauty.. etc. There is already enough. Here is the green smoothie recipe I will have tomorrow:
Spinach
Mint
Pineapple
Water.... Yum!!! It tastes way better than it sounds.. Go get the Green Smoothie book damnit!
Love Steph
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