"As children bring their toys to us with tears for us to mend.
I brought my broken dreams to God because He was my friend.
And then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone.
I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and said "how could you be so slow!?"
"My child" He said "what could i do? You never did let go." - Anonymous
Boy that dude "Anonymous" wrote alot of things!! I see his/her name everywhere. Has anyone ever met anonymous? If you do run into him/her tell whoever it is I said good job!! Man do they come up with the greatest stuff. A little egocentric going by only one name and all, but egocentric with good reason.. he/she is so dam creative, really, what a writer!
This poem by "Anonymous" is me in a nutshell. Anonymous must know me because this poem was written for me. I really cannot take my hands off things. I'm so arrogant that way. I think my parents named me wrong. Instead of Stephanie Ann, I should of been Stephanie Arrogant. Man do I think I know all sometimes. The truth is I think I know all because I am afraid to trust life. I don't believe sometimes in the intelligence of life. I have stories made up that prevent me from letting go into Truth. Seriously, even as I write this, I can feel this tightening in my gut that is blocking my freedom. The thing is body follows mind right? So what am I believing that has me suffer so? That has my stomach in a knot that has a picture of my son in mind and me anxious about how I will continue to find ways to provide all of his needs through life. I mean so far so good. And I can see that the only thing that has caused me anxiety thus far is my thoughts about his future.. that really everything has been just fine. He has everything he needs.. shelter, food, love, more than enough clothes, friends, community, education and even The Work of Byron Katie.. he and I do this together when he asks to. And yet, I feel anxious.
I don't trust the intelligence of my body right now. I ate breakfast and my sugar spiked to 191. Still under 200, still not bad. However, it did spike. Do you think I'm thinking "for some reason my body needed to spike?" Noooooooooo. I'm resigned right now as you can see in my writing. I have a major case of the fuck it's going on. I mean god forbid I actually LISTEN to my body and stop putting bananas and blueberries in my soaked oatmeal in the morning. My system has always been sensitive in the A.M. Or hell, maybe I need to back off from the oatmeal altogether right now, I don't know. But for some reason I don't go there. I pull out the big guns in my sack of survival skills and resign momentarily. I don't surrender mind you or let go... I RESIGN. Fuck you God I say. Screw you intelligence. This mind trades in my peace for righteousness, arrogance.. I mean isn't that what resignation is? Burrying my feet so deep in the mud to oppose what is happening in life? To fight reality because I am so attached to what I believe - as if it is my religion - that I refuse to move forward. Too lazy to question my thoughts. Too terrified to consider there may be a different way to look at something EVEN IF everyone around me agrees in the terror I am feeling.. there just still may be a different way of looking at something.
How many times a day do you lie? I am seeing that I lie all the time... to myself. I lie about wanting to help people. About how I am feeling. I lie alot. And it's a completely acceptable behavior in our world. We expect from each other. There is an unconscious aggreement between us all that goes like this: "If you don't hurt my feelings I won't hurt yours." "If you lie to me about what you think about me and agree with me in what I believe, than I will do the same for you." "If you do not agree to do these things in our relationship then screw off. See ya, wouldn't want to be ya. I'm outa here!" Something like that.
The build up of lies leads to anxiety, depression, sickness.
I don't know what the answer is. I am not saying that the resolution is to go around telling everyone what you think of them. I mean if I'm going outside of me to you to tell you what a mo'fo' I think you are, then I am still going out there instead of inside. Although... doesn't all experience take place inside? Even when I'm telling you something, isn't that happening inside of me? The thing is though that if I'm telling you how great you are, and I dont' mean it, then why am I doing that? If I'm telling you that yes, I can help you on a particular day, then why am I doing that? If my mother asks me if I think she was a good mother... and I think she sucked at it, which I do think that. That why do I tell her yes?
I brought my broken dreams to God because He was my friend.
And then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone.
I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and said "how could you be so slow!?"
"My child" He said "what could i do? You never did let go." - Anonymous
Boy that dude "Anonymous" wrote alot of things!! I see his/her name everywhere. Has anyone ever met anonymous? If you do run into him/her tell whoever it is I said good job!! Man do they come up with the greatest stuff. A little egocentric going by only one name and all, but egocentric with good reason.. he/she is so dam creative, really, what a writer!
This poem by "Anonymous" is me in a nutshell. Anonymous must know me because this poem was written for me. I really cannot take my hands off things. I'm so arrogant that way. I think my parents named me wrong. Instead of Stephanie Ann, I should of been Stephanie Arrogant. Man do I think I know all sometimes. The truth is I think I know all because I am afraid to trust life. I don't believe sometimes in the intelligence of life. I have stories made up that prevent me from letting go into Truth. Seriously, even as I write this, I can feel this tightening in my gut that is blocking my freedom. The thing is body follows mind right? So what am I believing that has me suffer so? That has my stomach in a knot that has a picture of my son in mind and me anxious about how I will continue to find ways to provide all of his needs through life. I mean so far so good. And I can see that the only thing that has caused me anxiety thus far is my thoughts about his future.. that really everything has been just fine. He has everything he needs.. shelter, food, love, more than enough clothes, friends, community, education and even The Work of Byron Katie.. he and I do this together when he asks to. And yet, I feel anxious.
I don't trust the intelligence of my body right now. I ate breakfast and my sugar spiked to 191. Still under 200, still not bad. However, it did spike. Do you think I'm thinking "for some reason my body needed to spike?" Noooooooooo. I'm resigned right now as you can see in my writing. I have a major case of the fuck it's going on. I mean god forbid I actually LISTEN to my body and stop putting bananas and blueberries in my soaked oatmeal in the morning. My system has always been sensitive in the A.M. Or hell, maybe I need to back off from the oatmeal altogether right now, I don't know. But for some reason I don't go there. I pull out the big guns in my sack of survival skills and resign momentarily. I don't surrender mind you or let go... I RESIGN. Fuck you God I say. Screw you intelligence. This mind trades in my peace for righteousness, arrogance.. I mean isn't that what resignation is? Burrying my feet so deep in the mud to oppose what is happening in life? To fight reality because I am so attached to what I believe - as if it is my religion - that I refuse to move forward. Too lazy to question my thoughts. Too terrified to consider there may be a different way to look at something EVEN IF everyone around me agrees in the terror I am feeling.. there just still may be a different way of looking at something.
How many times a day do you lie? I am seeing that I lie all the time... to myself. I lie about wanting to help people. About how I am feeling. I lie alot. And it's a completely acceptable behavior in our world. We expect from each other. There is an unconscious aggreement between us all that goes like this: "If you don't hurt my feelings I won't hurt yours." "If you lie to me about what you think about me and agree with me in what I believe, than I will do the same for you." "If you do not agree to do these things in our relationship then screw off. See ya, wouldn't want to be ya. I'm outa here!" Something like that.
The build up of lies leads to anxiety, depression, sickness.
I don't know what the answer is. I am not saying that the resolution is to go around telling everyone what you think of them. I mean if I'm going outside of me to you to tell you what a mo'fo' I think you are, then I am still going out there instead of inside. Although... doesn't all experience take place inside? Even when I'm telling you something, isn't that happening inside of me? The thing is though that if I'm telling you how great you are, and I dont' mean it, then why am I doing that? If I'm telling you that yes, I can help you on a particular day, then why am I doing that? If my mother asks me if I think she was a good mother... and I think she sucked at it, which I do think that. That why do I tell her yes?
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