Days 18 and 19 ....
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Day 18 and 19.....
Well, Michigan is winding down for me. It is Sunday morning here in this beautiful state. Today is day twenty and it is 7:20 in the morning here. I cannot seem to sleep past 6:40 am anymore. I just open my eyes and Whammo... hello day! It doesn't even matter what time I go to sleep, I wake up at 6:40 am. Good thing I'm beginning to get interested in life again since I will be awake for it so early.
Friday and Saturday (Day 18 and 19) were good days. I had a lot of emotional and mind clearing on these days. My friend Tom who I speak with on a weekly basis to do "The Work of Byron Katie" made himself generously and massively available to me for these past three weeks. I spoke with him a couple times each week and we went to town doing "The Work." He has been doing this for fifteen years now (maybe more). He has gotten so good at sitting with himself that in my opinion he is now a master at sitting with me. He taught me so much without even intending to. Our work was very profound and heart opening.
I do not recommend doing a program like this without the intention of working with the mind. Unless of course you want to believe it is still about the body. If you believe this, you can ride the wave of feeling good and well and even be high for a short bit, but the malignancy of the mind will surely creep in and fester until you decide to listen to it, let it breath and question the darkness into light. This I know for sure.
I had the most amazing email come my way from one of my very best friends in the world. I've known this gem of mine since 4th grade. We were dressed alike at halloween and the next day became inseparable throughout grade school, middle school and high school. Attached at the hip really. This woman knows me through and through and I her. She has written me a couple times through my process here asking me "are you okay?" .. I knew that I was not in the clear yet as far as freedom of mind was concerned here but I couldn't help but wonder what she was seeing that I wasn't. You know for the record, this happens in our lives... do you listen? The people who know us the best can always see the things we don't know that we don't know. No that wasn't a typing mistake.... I did in fact write that correctly.... We don't know what we don't know. There are the things we "know we know" like how to ride a bike. Things we "know we don't know" like how to do brain surgery (unless of course your a brain surgeon). Then there are the things we don't know we don't know. These things are where the people closest to us come in ... um.... handy.
Suffice it to say my eyes were wide open. We had a very profound conversation after I received this from her. Listen to those closest to you. Do not shoot the messenger. Even if the words come out clumsy, there may be a piece of information in what they are saying that could change you. This friend of mine was not clumsy in her words.. she was brilliant. However; there are times that those of us who love us are clumsy. Don't disregard what they are saying - especially if it hits a nerve - this is when you know they may be onto something. You know that old adage "the truth hurts"... well, I'll say no more.
I got to see that I am sometimes a walking hallmark apology card. I apologize for my existence. I feel guilty for just about everything. Somehow I have taken on that most things are my fault. If China blew up, I would say "crap, what did I do." This has been my feeble attempt to control life. If it's my fault then I can fix it. I can change it. And really, I cannot change anything. Not even myself really. I was raised a certain way. I was brought up by the parents I was brought up by. I have become the person I have become. Now this is the trick... I have no say in who I am... only how I be with who I am. I sometimes to use food to comfort myself. I sometimes get needy in relationships. I sometimes think when you are upset or mad it is my fault. I sometimes think I am no good. I sometimes think that life is out to get me, I sometimes think everything is personal. This is some of what I've interpreted about my life circumstances. The only thing I have any control over is choosing to be with my mind. Learning to watch this behavior that happens when my split mind is telling me how it is. I watch, I watch, I question, I question, I watch, I see, the mind lets me go. I get to watch this body, this mind and see it's not Me. It stops being personal. Then your behavior stops being personal to me - the good and the bad. I see me in you and you in me. Peace begins with me because I am the only mind that I can question. I am the only mind that I can step back from and observe.
Then I get to tell you about me. I get to tell you the truth. "Hey you... sometimes I am really needy in relationship. Sometimes I think you are better than me. Sometimes I think I am better than you. Sometimes I think I am no good. Since we are considering a relationship, it's good for you to know the truth about my thoughts and what I believe sometimes." Then you get to see if you can handle me. If you have the capacity to be with me. We don't wait two, or three or five or twenty years and suddenly you wake up next to me and go "who the hell are you?!" You get it all right up front. And then if you cannot love me for who I am..... next. And like wise. I will change as I watch my mind. And I can only be who I am in any given moment though. I only have one truth per moment. Then it changes. I cannot force my own evolution. This is me now, like it, or don't, but this is me.
My mind is clear today. Although I do have a bit of a headache. I am still going through some detox. I have a little bit of a road ahead of me. Although my sugar is now normalized I am not finished with my health reversal process. My body is still kicking off weight and I am still trying to get my Ph up and candida out. My blood sugar has not gone above 112 in over a week now. And it was 112 only once because I ate a big big meal with a lot of nuts in it. I can only handle small amounts of fat at a time right now as my liver and pancreas heal and regenerate. I had my discharge meeting with Bobby on Saturday... it was fantastic. He told me I am way ahead of schedule. He will mentor me and see me through over the next few months until I am stable and in the clear. He said I am already there really, but to insure the healing he will be with me. I love him.
I have another good friend who will be shopping for me so that I have all kinds of healthy good food waiting for me at home. This is the same friend who will continue to support me for a little while in this program. I do not consider the program complete until this coming Thursday June 3rd. I leave here Monday and will take the following four days to transition to my home and get things set up there for guaranteed success. Apparently people leave here and sometimes the old lifestyle creeps in. This will not happen to me. I informed all my friends here not to underestimate me... because I will fool you if you do. Never underestimate me. I have stopped underestimating myself. My eyes finally opened here and I see all the times I have been wrong about my capabilities. I am far better off than I typically give myself credit for. This is a done deal for me. Although it may rear it's little insidious head once in a while, food addiction is a thing of the past for this woman.
Well, dare I say everything is holding strong. My candida went down finally... It is at a 5 right now. My goal is a 2. My Ph is holding at a 6.0. My blood sugar is the same 81 at night, 108 in the morning. Diabetes reversed. I know I keep repeating this... and I will continue to.... it is so astounding to me. I have had nothing but living raw foods for 19 days now... Holy crapoli! Do you realize what a miracle this is? If I can do this.. YOU can do anything. Seriously.
Well.. that's it for now. I'll write more later. Love and Hugs... Steph
Day 18 and 19.....
Well, Michigan is winding down for me. It is Sunday morning here in this beautiful state. Today is day twenty and it is 7:20 in the morning here. I cannot seem to sleep past 6:40 am anymore. I just open my eyes and Whammo... hello day! It doesn't even matter what time I go to sleep, I wake up at 6:40 am. Good thing I'm beginning to get interested in life again since I will be awake for it so early.
Friday and Saturday (Day 18 and 19) were good days. I had a lot of emotional and mind clearing on these days. My friend Tom who I speak with on a weekly basis to do "The Work of Byron Katie" made himself generously and massively available to me for these past three weeks. I spoke with him a couple times each week and we went to town doing "The Work." He has been doing this for fifteen years now (maybe more). He has gotten so good at sitting with himself that in my opinion he is now a master at sitting with me. He taught me so much without even intending to. Our work was very profound and heart opening.
I do not recommend doing a program like this without the intention of working with the mind. Unless of course you want to believe it is still about the body. If you believe this, you can ride the wave of feeling good and well and even be high for a short bit, but the malignancy of the mind will surely creep in and fester until you decide to listen to it, let it breath and question the darkness into light. This I know for sure.
I had the most amazing email come my way from one of my very best friends in the world. I've known this gem of mine since 4th grade. We were dressed alike at halloween and the next day became inseparable throughout grade school, middle school and high school. Attached at the hip really. This woman knows me through and through and I her. She has written me a couple times through my process here asking me "are you okay?" .. I knew that I was not in the clear yet as far as freedom of mind was concerned here but I couldn't help but wonder what she was seeing that I wasn't. You know for the record, this happens in our lives... do you listen? The people who know us the best can always see the things we don't know that we don't know. No that wasn't a typing mistake.... I did in fact write that correctly.... We don't know what we don't know. There are the things we "know we know" like how to ride a bike. Things we "know we don't know" like how to do brain surgery (unless of course your a brain surgeon). Then there are the things we don't know we don't know. These things are where the people closest to us come in ... um.... handy.
Suffice it to say my eyes were wide open. We had a very profound conversation after I received this from her. Listen to those closest to you. Do not shoot the messenger. Even if the words come out clumsy, there may be a piece of information in what they are saying that could change you. This friend of mine was not clumsy in her words.. she was brilliant. However; there are times that those of us who love us are clumsy. Don't disregard what they are saying - especially if it hits a nerve - this is when you know they may be onto something. You know that old adage "the truth hurts"... well, I'll say no more.
I got to see that I am sometimes a walking hallmark apology card. I apologize for my existence. I feel guilty for just about everything. Somehow I have taken on that most things are my fault. If China blew up, I would say "crap, what did I do." This has been my feeble attempt to control life. If it's my fault then I can fix it. I can change it. And really, I cannot change anything. Not even myself really. I was raised a certain way. I was brought up by the parents I was brought up by. I have become the person I have become. Now this is the trick... I have no say in who I am... only how I be with who I am. I sometimes to use food to comfort myself. I sometimes get needy in relationships. I sometimes think when you are upset or mad it is my fault. I sometimes think I am no good. I sometimes think that life is out to get me, I sometimes think everything is personal. This is some of what I've interpreted about my life circumstances. The only thing I have any control over is choosing to be with my mind. Learning to watch this behavior that happens when my split mind is telling me how it is. I watch, I watch, I question, I question, I watch, I see, the mind lets me go. I get to watch this body, this mind and see it's not Me. It stops being personal. Then your behavior stops being personal to me - the good and the bad. I see me in you and you in me. Peace begins with me because I am the only mind that I can question. I am the only mind that I can step back from and observe.
Then I get to tell you about me. I get to tell you the truth. "Hey you... sometimes I am really needy in relationship. Sometimes I think you are better than me. Sometimes I think I am better than you. Sometimes I think I am no good. Since we are considering a relationship, it's good for you to know the truth about my thoughts and what I believe sometimes." Then you get to see if you can handle me. If you have the capacity to be with me. We don't wait two, or three or five or twenty years and suddenly you wake up next to me and go "who the hell are you?!" You get it all right up front. And then if you cannot love me for who I am..... next. And like wise. I will change as I watch my mind. And I can only be who I am in any given moment though. I only have one truth per moment. Then it changes. I cannot force my own evolution. This is me now, like it, or don't, but this is me.
My mind is clear today. Although I do have a bit of a headache. I am still going through some detox. I have a little bit of a road ahead of me. Although my sugar is now normalized I am not finished with my health reversal process. My body is still kicking off weight and I am still trying to get my Ph up and candida out. My blood sugar has not gone above 112 in over a week now. And it was 112 only once because I ate a big big meal with a lot of nuts in it. I can only handle small amounts of fat at a time right now as my liver and pancreas heal and regenerate. I had my discharge meeting with Bobby on Saturday... it was fantastic. He told me I am way ahead of schedule. He will mentor me and see me through over the next few months until I am stable and in the clear. He said I am already there really, but to insure the healing he will be with me. I love him.
I have another good friend who will be shopping for me so that I have all kinds of healthy good food waiting for me at home. This is the same friend who will continue to support me for a little while in this program. I do not consider the program complete until this coming Thursday June 3rd. I leave here Monday and will take the following four days to transition to my home and get things set up there for guaranteed success. Apparently people leave here and sometimes the old lifestyle creeps in. This will not happen to me. I informed all my friends here not to underestimate me... because I will fool you if you do. Never underestimate me. I have stopped underestimating myself. My eyes finally opened here and I see all the times I have been wrong about my capabilities. I am far better off than I typically give myself credit for. This is a done deal for me. Although it may rear it's little insidious head once in a while, food addiction is a thing of the past for this woman.
Well, dare I say everything is holding strong. My candida went down finally... It is at a 5 right now. My goal is a 2. My Ph is holding at a 6.0. My blood sugar is the same 81 at night, 108 in the morning. Diabetes reversed. I know I keep repeating this... and I will continue to.... it is so astounding to me. I have had nothing but living raw foods for 19 days now... Holy crapoli! Do you realize what a miracle this is? If I can do this.. YOU can do anything. Seriously.
Well.. that's it for now. I'll write more later. Love and Hugs... Steph
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