It’s the ninth day of the vipassana retreat. I have spoken no words, made no eye contact, nor have I so much as touched another living soul. I have sat still with the sensations in this body. I have learned to visit the tightness in my neck and legs and be with it as it is not as I’d like it to be. I take off the generous clothes that have embraced me all day and slip into my favorite pink-and-white flowered nightgown faded and torn. I gather my toothbrush and face wash, stored in my stark, barren single bed room, and I walk across the hallway to the bathroom. There I prepare to retire for the evening. It has been a long journey, worth it none-the-less. I look in the mirror and there she is. The face I have seen reflected back to me for the past 41 years. Ever changing, growing older for sure, but the same eyes staring back at me, the same soul. I am humble and my ego is on sabbatical. I take the rubber band out of my hair and run my fingers down my skull to release the tension of the day. Then, suddenly, I see. Can this be true? My jaw drops, I furl my brow, getting as close as I can to the mirror in front of me. I struggle, fade in and out of denial. They must be blonde. NO, it can’t be. TWO FRIGGIN’ GRAY HAIRS. Without giving it a second thought, I put my left hand on my left hip, stand up straight, cock my head to the right, curl my left upper lip, and break my hard earned silence with four of the most powerful words to ever leave my lips—“I DON’T THINK SO.”
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Stuffing Myself Silly - The Story of a Food Junkie: "These Kinds Of Days"
Stuffing Myself Silly - The Story of a Food Junkie: "These Kinds Of Days": I've been stuffing myself silly again. Yes, it it true. Food is a way of both punishment AND pleasure for me. I have watched and lear...
"These Kinds Of Days"
I've been stuffing myself silly again.
Yes, it it true. Food is a way of both punishment AND pleasure for me. I have watched and learned of all the ways it is punishment and pain. I am currently living these results. I was not so aware of the immense pleasure that I use it for as a substitute for life, beauty and joy. And is seems to have certainly gone awry. Love and joy gone awry.
I haven’t stopped eating badly. But I have added some raw foods again. I don’t want to sugarcoat (pardon the pun) my current process however; so I would like to just say a bit about how I have seen me use it as pleasure.
I am bored off my fucking rocker here! I hate it here! I have been people pleasing and adjusting and complying with and for other people my entire life. Most recently - and I mean recent like the last fifteen fucking years – has been my ex. He has just pulled another massive, violating act of control and smug arrogance on me. I will spare you all of the monotonous details.
Just today I was running my head off – trying to share coaching with people, nursing my sick 13 year old - whose been on the couch for three days - back to health. And getting ready to leave for a long weekend to be with my family. I have not showered in three days. I have been wearing the same clothes for two days, I had to go to the laundry mat because I don’t have a washer/dryer I have severe PMS and I am exhausted – oh and did I mention my mother’s dead and sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind? And on top of it all my ex has been a fucking jerk. I mean, no compassion, staunch, rude, cruel asshole. I’m not blind to the fact that I am in fact being exactly what I have accused him of being by the very act of writing what I just wrote about him. But I don’t care.
Today I went to Guido's to shop. I bought a small container of warm barbecue brisket they had on special at the hot bar. I got a whole wheat bun and I made love to that baby the whole twenty minute ride back to my home. It was such a warm, delicious beautiful break in my exhausting, boring, self-neglectful, sad, desperate and misunderstood day. I had nothing to give, but I had a whole bunch more people to give to. The brisket helped me to forget about how much I used to love to do my hair and put on my make up with out missing a beat. My fall Stiletto heals or my summer wedges that would dress my feet and scream “that’s right, I’m alive, and happy and ready for my dreams!” The brisket going down my throat – the taste of the salt and sweet and the way it just pulled apart like butter – effortless – no resistance, it didn’t fight me once. It didn’t blame the disturbing quirks of life on me. It helped me to forget about the stage and the theatre and my singing and the guitar I haven’t touched in three months. It camouflaged my deep grief over my absent, abusive, desperate, beautiful, schizoid-effective dead Mother. And it helped me believe the lies that I tell myself on "these kinds of days" that still visit me once in a while. The lies about how I am trapped and stuck and old and ugly and fat and worthless.
It mostly gave me the pleasure I long for. It gave me such deep and satisfying pleasure – unfounded, crazy, from my head to my toes, unearned, easy, warm, pleasure. I felt touched and sexual and wanted and I felt beautiful and like I had my hair done and my make up on and like I was dressed to the nines going to a rehearsal for MY show, MY singing, MY book, MY life, MY way, MY TERMS. MY MY MY MY MY MY. For twenty minutes I had that.
Until my blood sugar spiked, I got sick to my stomach, my mouth turned dry, I felt tired and cranky and my bones hurt. It turned on me, again.
But it was worth the twenty minutes. Especially since I don’t ever get that again until the next time. And the time after that. And the time after that. And = a more than chubby, maybe even obese, diabetic digging her grave with a knife and fork.
This is how she lives on "these kinds of days."
Thanks for listening.
Love and Hugs..
xoxo
Steph
Monday, March 21, 2011
Raw Living Foods and the Work of Byron Katie Workshop
Haven Café and Bakery Presents a Workshop:
Living Raw Foods and “The Work of Byron Katie” with Steph Campbel
Thursday Evening March 31st, 2011
6:30pm – 9:30 pm
$25
HavenCafé and Bakery
8 Franklin Street
Lenox, MA 01240
We will cover:
Living Raw Foods and “The Work of Byron Katie” with Steph Campbel
Thursday Evening March 31st, 2011
6:30pm – 9:30 pm
$25
HavenCafé and Bakery
8 Franklin Street
Lenox, MA 01240
We will cover:
- Green Smoothie recipe and
demonstration. - A delicious living raw food
treat and demonstration so you can see how simple it really is. - How living raw foods can
support you in your health and enhance your quality of life. - Emotional eating and food
addiction. - An introduction to The Work of
Byron Katie.
This class is for YOU if: You are looking to go completely raw or simply want to add more fruits,
vegetables and healthy foods to your diet. It will be fun, easy and informative.
Please R.S.V.P. if you would like to come: 413.394.4200 or sign up at Haven!! Space is limited.
vegetables and healthy foods to your diet. It will be fun, easy and informative.
Please R.S.V.P. if you would like to come: 413.394.4200 or sign up at Haven!! Space is limited.
On May 10th, 2010 I drove to Union City Michigan and embarked on a massive lifestyle
change. I had Severe Type II diabetes, high cholesterol levels, dangerously high triglyceride levels, low HDL (good cholesterol), Gastro Esophageal Reflux Disorder, painful menstrual cycles accompanied by severe PMS, arthritic joint pain, muscle pain, Candida, high inflammation, high blood pressure and fatty liver. My Ph balance
was so low that the director of CHI asked me if I had ever gone through chemo
therapy.
change. I had Severe Type II diabetes, high cholesterol levels, dangerously high triglyceride levels, low HDL (good cholesterol), Gastro Esophageal Reflux Disorder, painful menstrual cycles accompanied by severe PMS, arthritic joint pain, muscle pain, Candida, high inflammation, high blood pressure and fatty liver. My Ph balance
was so low that the director of CHI asked me if I had ever gone through chemo
therapy.
I attended a 21 day program at The Creative Health Institute in Union City Michigan and took on the living raw foods lifestyle. By the end of the program my health crisis
was completely reversed accompanied by a total weight loss of 25 pounds. I also witnessed people with much more traumatic illnesses than my own recover.
was completely reversed accompanied by a total weight loss of 25 pounds. I also witnessed people with much more traumatic illnesses than my own recover.
My healing journey did not begin with my body. I am a graduate of “The School for the Work” of Byron Katie. I am profoundly clear that this is not a physical process, it’s all about mind. My body is taking care of itself as I take care of my mind. It wasn’t until I whole heartedly listened to my heart with compassion and understanding that I was able to begin authentic nourishment with this body.
You’re story may not be this dramatic. Or it may be even more devastating. Wherever you are at, the time to start is right here, right now. The timing is perfect. I have no affiliation to The Creative Health Institute or Byron Katie International. I do not receive commissions from them nor have they asked me to do this. They have generously aided me in the process of healing and my only intention it to pass it on.
To this day I continue to experience excellent health. My weight loss has continued and I feel better than I did in my early twenties.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Love
I should tell myself that I love myself when I find victory. When I have succeeded and done a good job. When I am in alignment with life, when I have been kind, honest and loyal, I should tell myelf that I love myself. And when I have failed... when I have been sloppy, messy, unpredictable and unprepared. When I have made a mess out of life, my mind and my relationships... I should tell my self I love myself even more.
My food continues to be on track. I have lost 55 lbs. total. My blood sugar has been a little up and down, but still I have no diabetes. Even when it's a little up it is not in diabetic range and I know exactly what to do to correct that. Candida is almost gone. PH is still lingering at about 6.5. My heart rate resting at 76. I am dancing again! I move my body often. I intend to start running again in the not too distant future. For now I dance, walk and rebound.
My EED (Egoic Eating Disorder) takes me hostage now and again still, but I am so privvy to it. I see it crucify me now. You know when I am with others... either in a group or with another individual, I know my purpose. I feel the love, the connection. Then I am home and alone and it's a very very bad neighborhood in this head. The committee starts in. I am very confident and find great peace however in the knowing that this is in fact very much here for me. The whole set up is here for me. I am alone a good 75 to 80 percent of the time. This has occurred for awhile now. Not a coincidence at all. It is forcing me, helping me, guiding me to sit. Sit in the dark, the quiet as I get to know this mind. It has been treacherous. It has been unbearable at times... and it's working.
My "EED" bashes me contantly. I see now this may be with me on this trip until the end. As Byron Katie says "When I believe my thoughts I suffer, when I don't believe my thoughts, I don't suffer" ... So I do the work so the thoughts can move on. I see them in my mind, hear them in the wind, feel them on my skin and when I don't inquire I suffer and badly. I can't move in those moments. I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head. I can't move. Then I sit. I sit and listen. I sit and listen and watch. And it happens. They let me go.
I reject form. I am starting to see this about myself. It's a little confusing for me because I really do with all of my heart and every part of my being believe that this body and all form is illusion. I get this so deeply. It's illusion, not who I am. AND here I am on this trip. With a body. With furniture, with friends who have bodies, with a car and a son who has a body. And I reject it. I am not at peace. I cannot find the beauty in it all yet. And this is the flip side of the coin you know. I get angry with those who idolize the body and form and in my own peculiar way, I do the same exact thing by rejecting that it is part of me on this trip. So I ache today.
I ache because I am no longer using food to avoid this conflict in my life. I sit right now and my body is healing. I eat nothing but nutrient dense living raw food. So I am feeding and caring for (in a very deep way) this form that I reject. I feel attracted to other forms, I am not eating that away anymore either. I want love in my life. I want relationship and I know this has to include form on this trip. It just does. I know this is in fact my deepest lesson... how do I accept and participate in this "form game" while knowing in my deepest place that it is not who I am? How do I do this? I see myself shut down, shut off, I see my "EED" beat the living shit out of me. I see it character bash every inch of me. And still I sit. I sit and ache and smile and ache and feel joy and love and hate and attempt to embrace it all. I am not always so graceful.
I notice lately that I want someone to love me for exactly who I am. I want to you to walk toward me even when I push away. I know in my mind this is my job. However; my mind is split right now. How do I LOVE ME no matter what?
Today I sit. Today I nourish myself with time. How long can I stand to sit with myself?? How long will I tolerate this ache? How much time will I give myself? I would give you forever. Can I do the same for myself?
My food continues to be on track. I have lost 55 lbs. total. My blood sugar has been a little up and down, but still I have no diabetes. Even when it's a little up it is not in diabetic range and I know exactly what to do to correct that. Candida is almost gone. PH is still lingering at about 6.5. My heart rate resting at 76. I am dancing again! I move my body often. I intend to start running again in the not too distant future. For now I dance, walk and rebound.
My EED (Egoic Eating Disorder) takes me hostage now and again still, but I am so privvy to it. I see it crucify me now. You know when I am with others... either in a group or with another individual, I know my purpose. I feel the love, the connection. Then I am home and alone and it's a very very bad neighborhood in this head. The committee starts in. I am very confident and find great peace however in the knowing that this is in fact very much here for me. The whole set up is here for me. I am alone a good 75 to 80 percent of the time. This has occurred for awhile now. Not a coincidence at all. It is forcing me, helping me, guiding me to sit. Sit in the dark, the quiet as I get to know this mind. It has been treacherous. It has been unbearable at times... and it's working.
My "EED" bashes me contantly. I see now this may be with me on this trip until the end. As Byron Katie says "When I believe my thoughts I suffer, when I don't believe my thoughts, I don't suffer" ... So I do the work so the thoughts can move on. I see them in my mind, hear them in the wind, feel them on my skin and when I don't inquire I suffer and badly. I can't move in those moments. I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head. I can't move. Then I sit. I sit and listen. I sit and listen and watch. And it happens. They let me go.
I reject form. I am starting to see this about myself. It's a little confusing for me because I really do with all of my heart and every part of my being believe that this body and all form is illusion. I get this so deeply. It's illusion, not who I am. AND here I am on this trip. With a body. With furniture, with friends who have bodies, with a car and a son who has a body. And I reject it. I am not at peace. I cannot find the beauty in it all yet. And this is the flip side of the coin you know. I get angry with those who idolize the body and form and in my own peculiar way, I do the same exact thing by rejecting that it is part of me on this trip. So I ache today.
I ache because I am no longer using food to avoid this conflict in my life. I sit right now and my body is healing. I eat nothing but nutrient dense living raw food. So I am feeding and caring for (in a very deep way) this form that I reject. I feel attracted to other forms, I am not eating that away anymore either. I want love in my life. I want relationship and I know this has to include form on this trip. It just does. I know this is in fact my deepest lesson... how do I accept and participate in this "form game" while knowing in my deepest place that it is not who I am? How do I do this? I see myself shut down, shut off, I see my "EED" beat the living shit out of me. I see it character bash every inch of me. And still I sit. I sit and ache and smile and ache and feel joy and love and hate and attempt to embrace it all. I am not always so graceful.
I notice lately that I want someone to love me for exactly who I am. I want to you to walk toward me even when I push away. I know in my mind this is my job. However; my mind is split right now. How do I LOVE ME no matter what?
Today I sit. Today I nourish myself with time. How long can I stand to sit with myself?? How long will I tolerate this ache? How much time will I give myself? I would give you forever. Can I do the same for myself?
Monday, June 14, 2010
I am loved because of what this body looks like.
How's that for a concept? "I am loved because of what this body looks like." "I deserve love and relationship only when this body looks thin and lean." "My complete and utter worth is based on the condition of this body."
Wow. I'll say it backwards... wow.
I have now been living my new lifestyle for 35 days. But whose freakin' counting? I love my new life. Even the glitches, the karma that is catching up with me. The residue of the old way of living. I even love that. It is challenging me to see things differently. I screwed up my fastlane account with all the travelling I did. I gave them the wrong credit card number and I got a notice in the mail charging me $150 to correct this. I didn't care. I smiled and thought "oh well." A couple other things have happened like this .. you know a month away, travel, things don't go so smooth when you have given up the role of making everything perfect. And I smile and think "oh well." It's so freeing. I have lost 32 lbs. to date. I am still eating a complete living raw foods diet. The skin of this body glows, the eyes of this body are clear. The mind is solid and still a little fucked up at times I must say.
I am seeing my Achilles heal in this life. Straight on... eye to eye... facing the hard ass, no mercy, kick me when I'm down mother bleepin' Achilles heal called my eating disorder. I've always hated that word. I have an "eating disorder" fuck that. It is so true though. And I see it so clearly right now. You know how? Let me indulge you....
Nobody is rejecting me anymore. I have people telling me how beautiful I am. How great I look. Nobody is rejecting me anymore (maybe they never did). And I still feel ashamed when I look in a mirror. Without mirrors, I'm fine. I have no full length mirrors in my house. They all stop just above my waist. I hate mirrors. I had one of my very good male friends over this weekend. It was awesome. I love this man, we are talking adoration. Love him. We always have the most magnificent conversations. Completely out of left field, not to be expected, mind blowing conversations. I felt such a flow of love and appreciation. A balanced give/take in our connection. This man loved me and cared for me and refrained from judging me while offering me his observations. He left and I felt such peace and excitement really. I wasn't a body. I was all mind with him. We danced and sang and just hung out in life and body followed mind, because I wasn't a body. Well.... I went to dance class tonight and collapsed internally. I was surrounded by mirrors. My body was reflected to me everywhere. And even though it is 32 lbs. lighter... it wasn't enough. Even though it has healed from diabetes, it wasn't enough. Even though I am vibrating from head to toe and sending love out into the universe at lightning speed, it wasn't enough because all I saw was fat. I didn't see anything else. I didn't see my beautiful smile as I became one with the rhythm. I didn't see my pink cheeks as they blended perfectly with my white skin because my heart was getting a phenomenal workout. All I saw was fat. I saw all the skinny girls in their tight asses and perky breasts and I was fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat! Even though Franny our teacher had me show the whole class how to do the steps correctly because I was the only one who got it and understood... it wasn't enough because I had no worth in that class tonight. I was fat.
I am inundated with this story. As I write this tears fall from my eyes. How will I ever overcome this belief that I have invested in my whole life??? I believed my beautiful best male friend could not love me. He must have been mistaken me for someone else. He must have thought he was at someone else's house. It couldn't have been me. All the compliments and support coming my way, MUST be a mistake. I'm not all that. I am fat. And then I saw it. This eating disorder. It isn't about the food at all. My food is perfect. I'm doing great and yet, I look in a mirror and hate myself because I think I am this body. I feel guilty when I look beautiful. I have tucked myself away and hidden for years. Refusing to shine. Refusing to utilize my God given gifts on the top of the list is love. I am a loving person and when I look in a mirror, it's gone.
This is a confusing place to be. Even more so, it is painful. Here I expose myself to you, vulnerable, open, weak and scared. How will I ever change my mind about this? I don't know how to do it. I figure EVERYTHING OUT. I am innovative this way. And I am at a loss with this one.
For now I will do what I always do that makes me open.. I will sit with myself and not leave myself. I will hold and carress my heart as it bleeds the tears of years and years of self loathe because of the thought I am a damn body. I will listen to my voice as it moans in agony over the abyss of rejection I have placed on my life. The void, the terror, the misconceptions. I will sit in the bath I just drew and cry. As I face this demon and continue to allow myself to blossom into everything I already am but don't know yet. Nobody will get in my way this time. I am devoted to my own heart. My own self and NOBODY will ever again stop me from doing this. I will not allow it. Please don't hear this as blame. It is not. I am accountable for being the trainer. I trained all of my reflections to treat me a certain way. I trained them that I would take the back seat, the back burner, I would make myself not matter in exchange for love... or for what I thought was love. It was all me. And now I am done with that forever.
I will go and sit in the warm water I just drew for myself. I will go sit and bathe in complete acceptance. Perhaps not of this body yet. But instead I will bathe in light. I will turn this healing... this huge healing of the mind and my tortured warped perception of who I think I am over to God.. to life... to the great knowing. Left to my own devices with "this one" I will lose. My ego holds onto this one like there is no tomorrow. My ego loves this one, treasures it, nurtures it. This shadow that hangs over me. This shame this shame this shame... I am fat I am fat I am fat. I will go and bathe in the light of accepting that I don't accept that I am worthy this evening. I accept my eating disordered thinking with all of my heart. I accept 100% that I think I am this body, this fat and that I do not deserve love because of the way this body looks.
I will sit with myself until every tear has been cried. Until the tears turn to laughter.. you know that fine line we walk between crying and laughing. I will not turn my back on mySelf again.
I can dance. This body moved tonight. I am good. And it wasn't enough. All I saw was fat. But you know what? I still danced. I stayed and I danced. And I knew that even this is temporary. I will prevail. I know this to be true. I will learn that I am not this body. I will learn that I am worthy just as I am. I will. I will. I will.
I am love. I am kindess. I am mercy. It just has to be this way. Until it is, I will sit.
Even this is only a moment. A moment. I just cannot know what is next.
xoxox Love and Hugs... Steph (Keep reading)
I just received this email.. this very moment... from my dance teacher. She wrote me this very moment as I was writing this post... the very moment.. please read below:
"Hey Stephy,
You were wonderful tonight...right on top of the game. Thank you for being my second pair of eyes!!! it was splendid how you caught that last three (not four) steps before the step ball change. I swear nobody got that but YOU my dear. A big thanks for being my kindred spirit!!!!
Fun tonight!!!
Just wanted to see how you are and tell you that I love it when you are in class. You my dear are sooooo beautiful. I could watch you dance all day. You love it like I love it...with a sort of compassionate touch. Thank you for being in my life.
Much love,
Fran"
Ha! Love will prevail. I am love.. I will prevail. Maybe not tonight.... do not underestimate Me dear ego. Do not.
Wow. I'll say it backwards... wow.
I have now been living my new lifestyle for 35 days. But whose freakin' counting? I love my new life. Even the glitches, the karma that is catching up with me. The residue of the old way of living. I even love that. It is challenging me to see things differently. I screwed up my fastlane account with all the travelling I did. I gave them the wrong credit card number and I got a notice in the mail charging me $150 to correct this. I didn't care. I smiled and thought "oh well." A couple other things have happened like this .. you know a month away, travel, things don't go so smooth when you have given up the role of making everything perfect. And I smile and think "oh well." It's so freeing. I have lost 32 lbs. to date. I am still eating a complete living raw foods diet. The skin of this body glows, the eyes of this body are clear. The mind is solid and still a little fucked up at times I must say.
I am seeing my Achilles heal in this life. Straight on... eye to eye... facing the hard ass, no mercy, kick me when I'm down mother bleepin' Achilles heal called my eating disorder. I've always hated that word. I have an "eating disorder" fuck that. It is so true though. And I see it so clearly right now. You know how? Let me indulge you....
Nobody is rejecting me anymore. I have people telling me how beautiful I am. How great I look. Nobody is rejecting me anymore (maybe they never did). And I still feel ashamed when I look in a mirror. Without mirrors, I'm fine. I have no full length mirrors in my house. They all stop just above my waist. I hate mirrors. I had one of my very good male friends over this weekend. It was awesome. I love this man, we are talking adoration. Love him. We always have the most magnificent conversations. Completely out of left field, not to be expected, mind blowing conversations. I felt such a flow of love and appreciation. A balanced give/take in our connection. This man loved me and cared for me and refrained from judging me while offering me his observations. He left and I felt such peace and excitement really. I wasn't a body. I was all mind with him. We danced and sang and just hung out in life and body followed mind, because I wasn't a body. Well.... I went to dance class tonight and collapsed internally. I was surrounded by mirrors. My body was reflected to me everywhere. And even though it is 32 lbs. lighter... it wasn't enough. Even though it has healed from diabetes, it wasn't enough. Even though I am vibrating from head to toe and sending love out into the universe at lightning speed, it wasn't enough because all I saw was fat. I didn't see anything else. I didn't see my beautiful smile as I became one with the rhythm. I didn't see my pink cheeks as they blended perfectly with my white skin because my heart was getting a phenomenal workout. All I saw was fat. I saw all the skinny girls in their tight asses and perky breasts and I was fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat! Even though Franny our teacher had me show the whole class how to do the steps correctly because I was the only one who got it and understood... it wasn't enough because I had no worth in that class tonight. I was fat.
I am inundated with this story. As I write this tears fall from my eyes. How will I ever overcome this belief that I have invested in my whole life??? I believed my beautiful best male friend could not love me. He must have been mistaken me for someone else. He must have thought he was at someone else's house. It couldn't have been me. All the compliments and support coming my way, MUST be a mistake. I'm not all that. I am fat. And then I saw it. This eating disorder. It isn't about the food at all. My food is perfect. I'm doing great and yet, I look in a mirror and hate myself because I think I am this body. I feel guilty when I look beautiful. I have tucked myself away and hidden for years. Refusing to shine. Refusing to utilize my God given gifts on the top of the list is love. I am a loving person and when I look in a mirror, it's gone.
This is a confusing place to be. Even more so, it is painful. Here I expose myself to you, vulnerable, open, weak and scared. How will I ever change my mind about this? I don't know how to do it. I figure EVERYTHING OUT. I am innovative this way. And I am at a loss with this one.
For now I will do what I always do that makes me open.. I will sit with myself and not leave myself. I will hold and carress my heart as it bleeds the tears of years and years of self loathe because of the thought I am a damn body. I will listen to my voice as it moans in agony over the abyss of rejection I have placed on my life. The void, the terror, the misconceptions. I will sit in the bath I just drew and cry. As I face this demon and continue to allow myself to blossom into everything I already am but don't know yet. Nobody will get in my way this time. I am devoted to my own heart. My own self and NOBODY will ever again stop me from doing this. I will not allow it. Please don't hear this as blame. It is not. I am accountable for being the trainer. I trained all of my reflections to treat me a certain way. I trained them that I would take the back seat, the back burner, I would make myself not matter in exchange for love... or for what I thought was love. It was all me. And now I am done with that forever.
I will go and sit in the warm water I just drew for myself. I will go sit and bathe in complete acceptance. Perhaps not of this body yet. But instead I will bathe in light. I will turn this healing... this huge healing of the mind and my tortured warped perception of who I think I am over to God.. to life... to the great knowing. Left to my own devices with "this one" I will lose. My ego holds onto this one like there is no tomorrow. My ego loves this one, treasures it, nurtures it. This shadow that hangs over me. This shame this shame this shame... I am fat I am fat I am fat. I will go and bathe in the light of accepting that I don't accept that I am worthy this evening. I accept my eating disordered thinking with all of my heart. I accept 100% that I think I am this body, this fat and that I do not deserve love because of the way this body looks.
I will sit with myself until every tear has been cried. Until the tears turn to laughter.. you know that fine line we walk between crying and laughing. I will not turn my back on mySelf again.
I can dance. This body moved tonight. I am good. And it wasn't enough. All I saw was fat. But you know what? I still danced. I stayed and I danced. And I knew that even this is temporary. I will prevail. I know this to be true. I will learn that I am not this body. I will learn that I am worthy just as I am. I will. I will. I will.
I am love. I am kindess. I am mercy. It just has to be this way. Until it is, I will sit.
Even this is only a moment. A moment. I just cannot know what is next.
xoxox Love and Hugs... Steph (Keep reading)
I just received this email.. this very moment... from my dance teacher. She wrote me this very moment as I was writing this post... the very moment.. please read below:
"Hey Stephy,
You were wonderful tonight...right on top of the game. Thank you for being my second pair of eyes!!! it was splendid how you caught that last three (not four) steps before the step ball change. I swear nobody got that but YOU my dear. A big thanks for being my kindred spirit!!!!
Fun tonight!!!
Just wanted to see how you are and tell you that I love it when you are in class. You my dear are sooooo beautiful. I could watch you dance all day. You love it like I love it...with a sort of compassionate touch. Thank you for being in my life.
Much love,
Fran"
Ha! Love will prevail. I am love.. I will prevail. Maybe not tonight.... do not underestimate Me dear ego. Do not.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Days 21 thru 25 .... Yes it's over.
Perfect song for my food addiction:
"Yes it's over, call it a day. Sorry that we had to end this way. No reason to pretend, we knew it had to end someday this way...."
It's over. I don't need it anymore. It's not because I went and did a raw living foods program... I mean that's part of it, this process certainly has helped me to understand what it means to nurture and care for this body. It' my mind that no longer needs to stuff myself silly though.
It's been 25 days since I've used food as a coping mechanism. I'm talking 25 days without torture that is. Oh sure, I've white knuckled it hundreds of times in my life, no joke. But it's been 25 days of not white knuckling it. No torture regarding food.
I've had years upon years of yo-yo dieting. Years upon years of deciding one night that I will try a new diet and feeling the absolute high of the fantasy of "getting thin". FINALLY looking in a way that will have someone love me. The fantasy that the body is what makes me lovable, the body is what gives me my worth, my value. Getting high off the thought "Tomorrow I start the Cambridge Diet" or "Tomorrow I start Atkins" or "Tomorrow I will sign up for weight watchers" and then because the thoughts "I am not good enough and this will make me valuable" was driving these diets, I always inevitably failed, always. I mean wouldn't you? If someone bullied you into a corner and told you that unless you looked a certain way or acted a certain way you would be scorned and turned against and you would have no love, wouldn't you rebel? Say "fuck you!" and do the opposite? Or maybe vacillate between conforming and rebelling. Well, this is what I did in the face of me bullying myself. I rebelled I finally said NO! and gained 150 pounds. I remember the day I promised myself I would not diet again. The day I promised myself that unless the lifestyle changed naturally I would never again force myself to be thin or lose weight just because it would make me lovable.
It was May 2005. Five years ago. I was destitute and depressed and at an all time low. I was at the end of a nasty, grueling child custody battle over my son. And that was the tip of the iceberg. I was beat up, torn down and spit out. I thought all the abuse was coming from outside of me, I hadn't realized yet that it was I that did the majority of battering to 'yours truly'. Fighting for my worth which eventually led to fighting for my son. This was one of the most destructive and painful periods of my life, and believe me, I've had several periods like this and this was the toughest. I was living between Boston and the Berkshires. Driving several times in a week back and forth to be with my son while attempting to make a life for us in an area that I wanted to be, the city. Although the Berkshires are beautiful, they are not home to me. Never have been, and up til this point ... they still do not feel like home. I am a city girl at heart and this has not seemed to change for me as of yet. I don't expect it to, but who knows.
I was at the place that I rented for Jonah and me. Jonah was sleeping soundly and I sat in the living room on the phone with a friend sobbing. "I won't do it anymore! I would rather go to my grave fat than bully myself into losing one more pound because I think I'm worthless like this. I won't do it." I continued... "It doesn't work. It's not about this body, it's about how I am thinking about life and there has to be a better way! This body is a reflection of what I think about myself... it's a direct mirror and I need to begin to really look at what I am thinking about life, about myself. Losing weight is like drinking or eating... it doesn't work when ego driven. I'm done." And I was. I never dieted again. I did not gain anymore weight and over the last five years naturally lost 26 lbs. I know that doesn't sound like much, but considering all I did was work on my thoughts about life, it's a sort of miracle. I did attempt to change my lifestyle last summer with a cooked foods program, but I white knuckled it so therefore stopped doing it. I went back and forth, eating like a mad women, calming down. Eating like a madwoman, calming down. And then, diabetes.
I am grateful for this body. I am so glad I got fat. I am so glad this body was diabetic. It forced me into self love and appreciation. It forced me to turn to God/Life/The Universe. It forced me into learning to love myself exactly as I am. And I do. I am not saying that I do not have this mind to question still. As a matter of fact coming home and doing the last five days of the program from my house has been quite a journey. I have noticed that I feel so empty. Literally empty. I am not relying on my taste buds to get me through a day of uninvestigated thoughts. I have not white knuckled fending off food for one second. Not once. I have had a couple of moments where I see an advertisement with fat, greasy, sugar laden foods or been at the movies and seen people feasting on my old alibi and found myself salivating. However, even though I "thought" to myself "I want that" I didn't believe it this time. I remembered that I didn't eat just for pleasure.. once I ate that piece of grease, I didn't stop and ate myself into blood sugar readings of nearly 400. Being at the Creative Health Institute changed all that for me. My mind was ready though. It was not a second too soon. I was ready to live without my drug. I questioned myself back into integrity. And my body is now following.
Do not misinterpret my message here. The transformation that is happening to me. The one I am going through right before your very eyes IS NOT ABOUT THIS BODY. Even though the body has been my catalyst. It has not been the focus. One and a half weeks into this program, when my body was on the mend, I felt NO DIFFERENT than when I was home stuffing my face. NO DIFFERENCE. It was not until I noticed this and began investigating why that I started to feel better. I went through the thoughts and emotions of deep disappointment that this journey had nothing to do with this body. That even though the body was getting what it needed and transforming before my eyes it did not guarantee that I was free and feeling great. I was about to become a skinny miserable lunatic instead of a fat one. Except for the fact that I had been questioning the bejesus out of my mind and continued to do my work during this intense changing of lifestyles. And now here I am.
I'm at home in my mind. And even though I am seeing that the Berkshires are still not for me. Even though I am seeing the holes in my life where I ate instead of pursued my dreams. Even though I am seeing where I wasted my energy on trying to persuade the people who didn't like me, to like me and then stuffed my face to comfort myself. To push down all the rage and disappointment. Even though I am seeing all this vast nothingness inside of me, I do not need to eat over it one more second. It's over. I can sit with myself. I will not abandon myself. And when I do, I will come back to myself. I do not need ice cream to accompany my tears anymore. And I certainly do not need diabetes or a stroke or heart attack to get my attention that something is off in my mind. I mean those things may happen again to me, I can't predict the future, I can't save my life, this body will die someday, that's what I have signed on for here, but I am clear that I am integrity now and when the body goes -as far as I can see- it won't be because I overdosed on big macs and french fries. And if I do, I will welcome it. Because now I know that I am not this body.
I cannot predict the future. I just cannot know what is next. I pretend like I do sometimes and believe it, but I don't and that's the truth. Being at home has been more challenging as far as fitting in my whole program. In Michigan, I got everything done for me. The schedule was in place the wheatgrass was juiced, the rebounders were laid out. Here, I have to do it. I have not succeeded in doing it all just yet. Still trying to get it in place, however I have done at least a few of things I need to do every day and I have no doubt I will get it all in place. I am patient. Where do I have to be other than right here? Now. I have been 100% living raw. It is working for this body right now. I will continue for the next six months and re-evaluate. I will see where I am at. I will be patient in my healing journey. My process is my process ... period. I have all the time in the world for me.
One moment at a time. One moment at a time. One moment at a time. I persevere. Clear that for some reason the old thinking around food is becoming a faint memory. An old friend. A bridge to Truth.
End of program results:
Weight loss: 27 pounds.
Blood Sugar: 100 in the morning 84 in the evening, no medication. (from over 300 on medication)
Candida: 5/6 (from an 8/9)
Ph: 6.1 (from a 5.2)
GERD (Gastro esophageal reflux disorder) GONE! Off medication now for 3 weeks was on this medication (protonix) for 12 years.
Off all my medication (Louvaza, protonix, glyboride) except for levoxyl for thyroid.
Will get my blood tests done again at the end of September. Will keep you posted.
One moment at a time...
Love xoxoxo Steph
"Yes it's over, call it a day. Sorry that we had to end this way. No reason to pretend, we knew it had to end someday this way...."
It's over. I don't need it anymore. It's not because I went and did a raw living foods program... I mean that's part of it, this process certainly has helped me to understand what it means to nurture and care for this body. It' my mind that no longer needs to stuff myself silly though.
It's been 25 days since I've used food as a coping mechanism. I'm talking 25 days without torture that is. Oh sure, I've white knuckled it hundreds of times in my life, no joke. But it's been 25 days of not white knuckling it. No torture regarding food.
I've had years upon years of yo-yo dieting. Years upon years of deciding one night that I will try a new diet and feeling the absolute high of the fantasy of "getting thin". FINALLY looking in a way that will have someone love me. The fantasy that the body is what makes me lovable, the body is what gives me my worth, my value. Getting high off the thought "Tomorrow I start the Cambridge Diet" or "Tomorrow I start Atkins" or "Tomorrow I will sign up for weight watchers" and then because the thoughts "I am not good enough and this will make me valuable" was driving these diets, I always inevitably failed, always. I mean wouldn't you? If someone bullied you into a corner and told you that unless you looked a certain way or acted a certain way you would be scorned and turned against and you would have no love, wouldn't you rebel? Say "fuck you!" and do the opposite? Or maybe vacillate between conforming and rebelling. Well, this is what I did in the face of me bullying myself. I rebelled I finally said NO! and gained 150 pounds. I remember the day I promised myself I would not diet again. The day I promised myself that unless the lifestyle changed naturally I would never again force myself to be thin or lose weight just because it would make me lovable.
It was May 2005. Five years ago. I was destitute and depressed and at an all time low. I was at the end of a nasty, grueling child custody battle over my son. And that was the tip of the iceberg. I was beat up, torn down and spit out. I thought all the abuse was coming from outside of me, I hadn't realized yet that it was I that did the majority of battering to 'yours truly'. Fighting for my worth which eventually led to fighting for my son. This was one of the most destructive and painful periods of my life, and believe me, I've had several periods like this and this was the toughest. I was living between Boston and the Berkshires. Driving several times in a week back and forth to be with my son while attempting to make a life for us in an area that I wanted to be, the city. Although the Berkshires are beautiful, they are not home to me. Never have been, and up til this point ... they still do not feel like home. I am a city girl at heart and this has not seemed to change for me as of yet. I don't expect it to, but who knows.
I was at the place that I rented for Jonah and me. Jonah was sleeping soundly and I sat in the living room on the phone with a friend sobbing. "I won't do it anymore! I would rather go to my grave fat than bully myself into losing one more pound because I think I'm worthless like this. I won't do it." I continued... "It doesn't work. It's not about this body, it's about how I am thinking about life and there has to be a better way! This body is a reflection of what I think about myself... it's a direct mirror and I need to begin to really look at what I am thinking about life, about myself. Losing weight is like drinking or eating... it doesn't work when ego driven. I'm done." And I was. I never dieted again. I did not gain anymore weight and over the last five years naturally lost 26 lbs. I know that doesn't sound like much, but considering all I did was work on my thoughts about life, it's a sort of miracle. I did attempt to change my lifestyle last summer with a cooked foods program, but I white knuckled it so therefore stopped doing it. I went back and forth, eating like a mad women, calming down. Eating like a madwoman, calming down. And then, diabetes.
I am grateful for this body. I am so glad I got fat. I am so glad this body was diabetic. It forced me into self love and appreciation. It forced me to turn to God/Life/The Universe. It forced me into learning to love myself exactly as I am. And I do. I am not saying that I do not have this mind to question still. As a matter of fact coming home and doing the last five days of the program from my house has been quite a journey. I have noticed that I feel so empty. Literally empty. I am not relying on my taste buds to get me through a day of uninvestigated thoughts. I have not white knuckled fending off food for one second. Not once. I have had a couple of moments where I see an advertisement with fat, greasy, sugar laden foods or been at the movies and seen people feasting on my old alibi and found myself salivating. However, even though I "thought" to myself "I want that" I didn't believe it this time. I remembered that I didn't eat just for pleasure.. once I ate that piece of grease, I didn't stop and ate myself into blood sugar readings of nearly 400. Being at the Creative Health Institute changed all that for me. My mind was ready though. It was not a second too soon. I was ready to live without my drug. I questioned myself back into integrity. And my body is now following.
Do not misinterpret my message here. The transformation that is happening to me. The one I am going through right before your very eyes IS NOT ABOUT THIS BODY. Even though the body has been my catalyst. It has not been the focus. One and a half weeks into this program, when my body was on the mend, I felt NO DIFFERENT than when I was home stuffing my face. NO DIFFERENCE. It was not until I noticed this and began investigating why that I started to feel better. I went through the thoughts and emotions of deep disappointment that this journey had nothing to do with this body. That even though the body was getting what it needed and transforming before my eyes it did not guarantee that I was free and feeling great. I was about to become a skinny miserable lunatic instead of a fat one. Except for the fact that I had been questioning the bejesus out of my mind and continued to do my work during this intense changing of lifestyles. And now here I am.
I'm at home in my mind. And even though I am seeing that the Berkshires are still not for me. Even though I am seeing the holes in my life where I ate instead of pursued my dreams. Even though I am seeing where I wasted my energy on trying to persuade the people who didn't like me, to like me and then stuffed my face to comfort myself. To push down all the rage and disappointment. Even though I am seeing all this vast nothingness inside of me, I do not need to eat over it one more second. It's over. I can sit with myself. I will not abandon myself. And when I do, I will come back to myself. I do not need ice cream to accompany my tears anymore. And I certainly do not need diabetes or a stroke or heart attack to get my attention that something is off in my mind. I mean those things may happen again to me, I can't predict the future, I can't save my life, this body will die someday, that's what I have signed on for here, but I am clear that I am integrity now and when the body goes -as far as I can see- it won't be because I overdosed on big macs and french fries. And if I do, I will welcome it. Because now I know that I am not this body.
I cannot predict the future. I just cannot know what is next. I pretend like I do sometimes and believe it, but I don't and that's the truth. Being at home has been more challenging as far as fitting in my whole program. In Michigan, I got everything done for me. The schedule was in place the wheatgrass was juiced, the rebounders were laid out. Here, I have to do it. I have not succeeded in doing it all just yet. Still trying to get it in place, however I have done at least a few of things I need to do every day and I have no doubt I will get it all in place. I am patient. Where do I have to be other than right here? Now. I have been 100% living raw. It is working for this body right now. I will continue for the next six months and re-evaluate. I will see where I am at. I will be patient in my healing journey. My process is my process ... period. I have all the time in the world for me.
One moment at a time. One moment at a time. One moment at a time. I persevere. Clear that for some reason the old thinking around food is becoming a faint memory. An old friend. A bridge to Truth.
End of program results:
Weight loss: 27 pounds.
Blood Sugar: 100 in the morning 84 in the evening, no medication. (from over 300 on medication)
Candida: 5/6 (from an 8/9)
Ph: 6.1 (from a 5.2)
GERD (Gastro esophageal reflux disorder) GONE! Off medication now for 3 weeks was on this medication (protonix) for 12 years.
Off all my medication (Louvaza, protonix, glyboride) except for levoxyl for thyroid.
Will get my blood tests done again at the end of September. Will keep you posted.
One moment at a time...
Love xoxoxo Steph
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