Steph Campbell

Well, I have had my work cut out for me, this is for sure. If there is anything I hope the ones who read me take away from me, it’s that preventing the illness might be easier than reversing it – albeit – not always possible. So, if nothing else, I continue to hope that my writings reach those who need support and encouragement to never give up. Seriously, never, ever. Some days I wonder why I share so much. Have I just become entertainment, like an intense movie that helps people distract from their own lives? Am I so desperate to be loved that I will bare my soul to prove I am a worthy of breathing? Do I simply crave connection? Maybe a little of all of it? I will never be able to say for sure. But even if those were the reasons, aren’t they innocent? Don’t you, reading this, also crave love from time to time? Isn’t connection delicious especially after not having it for a while? Regardless of the reasons I vacillate, there is an unwavering truth that lives inside of me. I believ...

January 17th, 2012, 1:15pm - 11 years ago today my beautiful mother Geraldine Todesco Campbell departed from this life.  She was a unique soul who had to navigate her way through a tumultuous and severe mental illness. This was exacerbated by my father's early departure at only 41 years young. Geraldine was funny, smart, intuitive, empathetic, big hearted, generous, hilarious, funny, funny, funny, did I mention funny as HELL? She was caring, wise, and when she was well was deeply remorseful of how her illness affected her three children. Recovering and healing from our childhood has been nearly impossible at times. My mother's schizoaffective disorder put me on a path where saving my own soul and learning how to navigate my own internal wounds had to be my priority. So this is what I have dedicated my life to. My commitment to healing and development gave my son a good childhood and ensured him a competant, reliable, and loving mother. It has given my friends and loved ones som...

Chapter Five But My Belly Gets Cold When I Sit in the Tub   “ When asked what he wanted from life, he said, I'll start   with a written apology.” - B. Tier “Steph, you have a homework assignment this week,” said my therapist.  “We want to work on changing your relationship with food by creating some new coping skills.  We’re going to do this by changing some of your behaviors.  Go and think about things you can use, other than food, to soothe yourself.  Jot down some tools you can have on hand to self-soothe in the middle of intense  feelings.  Think of something that is healthier and more productive than food.  A bath perhaps.”  Well, I thought. I contemplated and I researched.  I went back the next week and told her, “Kate, there’s nothing.  I cannot find one thing that works better than food.  Food is it.  I’m not trying to be difficult, it’s just the way it is for me.”  But just to test it ...

I have a good life. I have an amazing son who is developing and growing more miraculously than I'd ever dreamed he would.  I take little credit.  He is his own grower.  Even though most of the time my mind tells me I am personally responsible for nearly everything that comes out of that beautiful mouth of his.  That I am accountable for all the movements he makes and choices he pursues. Even though this mind has staked my life on a one way silent agreement with God that he live a long, healthy and prosperous life - even though - he has his own path, his own way to make, his own thoughts.  He is his own grower. I have a good life. I have a roof over my head, money to pay my bills, a plethora of friends and love and family.  I have a voice that sings, music in my heart, and food in my belly. I have a good life. I can see and hear and my limbs work fine.  I can sit then stand I can breathe then hold my breath.  I have surviv...

"Steph's a professional singer" Boasted a proud friend as she introduced me to a woman she was chatting with.  It was opening night of the spring musical at my son's high school.  Little did I know that the dagger eyes that were about to scope me up and down with a look of disgust was in fact the mother of the female leading role. I walked up to tell my friend how wonderful her son was as the leading role. She modestly thanked me and quickly turned the attention away to "the woman."   It quickly became clear to me that (for lack of a better phrase) the "mother of the bride" was intent on sucking up all the praise of the moment.  I understood my friend's dilemma and went with the flow. "Oh your daughter was great!  You must be very proud." Not even a smile.  She turned her head slightly and looked at me through the corner of her eye with a hate that although familiar I had not felt in many years.  Me being who ...

I don't love where I live.  No offense to the Berkshire natives - but frankly, it's just not for me.  It's a beautiful place to visit.  And it is especially wondrous if your companion is a "au natural, crunchy granola" nature.  However; when the personality you reside with craves city lights and angry cab drivers, a plethora of eccentric people and smog filled air - living in the western part of Massachusetts is a bitch.  I stayed to create peace for my son.  Well... and myself too, I must be honest.  It was not easy to do, but I had to face that raising my boy took precedence over my hunger to fill my desires.  I won't bore you with the details - but suffice it to say I avoided a very nasty custody battle by looking on the outside like a conformist - you know the one who "lost".  I didn't want to risk losing my son - not even it meant a small percentage of a possibility that it could happen.  I just wouldn't do it.  He ...

"Food is the most overused anti-anxiety drug in America" - Bill Philips I guess Mr. Bill thinks he knows a thing or two about food addiction, huh?  What he says is true, and I promise this quote will not inspire anyone to change.  At least not the mind of a food junkie. I used to sit in my living room and eat nacho cheese flavored Doritos after bringing my Mother to Butler Memorial Hospital for the umpteenth time. I remember how alone I felt. I would get home after the drive - of course this was after being pulled out of algebra class (or whatever the class du jour was) by our principal telling me that I had a telephone call waiting for me in the office. He would stare at me with sad eyes and say in a sympathetic tone "it's your Mom." I would walk down the MHS corridor taking deep breaths knowing that although there was a plethora of scenario's that could unfold during this call - one thing was for certain - my mother was very sick and I need...

             I sat in church unable to cry the day after the funeral.     The church was empty, and I sat, three pews back, staring up at the 12-foot hanging crucifix and following the details of this statue with my eyes.   I gazed for what seemed like hours at the thorns digging into Jesus’s skull, the drops of blood running down his calm face, the cloth sheath that only covered his genitals.   I noticed the forgiveness in the eyes of this man-made sculpture.   I wished I could talk to Jesus in that moment because I had so many questions to ask him.   Earlier that morning my Mother asked me to go to the store and get some milk.   She told me to grab five dollars from her purse.   As I shuffled through the papers and such I came across the letter I wrote to Dad, unopened and forgotten.   I flipped out; this was my only means of saving him last week.   The letter clearly told him to...

It’s the ninth day of the vipassana retreat. I have spoken no words, made no eye contact, nor have I so much as touched another living soul. I have sat still with the sensations in this body.   I have learned to visit the tightness in my neck and legs and be with it as it is not as I’d like it to be.   I take off the generous clothes that have   embraced me all day and slip into my favorite pink-and-white flowered nightgown faded and torn.   I gather my toothbrush and face wash, stored in my stark, barren single bed room, and I walk across the hallway to the bathroom.   There I prepare to retire for the evening.   It has been a long journey, worth it none-the-less. I look in the mirror and there she is.   The face I have seen reflected back to me for the past 41 years.   Ever changing, growing older for sure, but the same eyes staring back at me, the same soul.   I am humble and my ego is on sabbatical. I take the rubber band out of my hair a...

Stuffing Myself Silly - The Story of a Food Junkie: "These Kinds Of Days" : I've been stuffing myself silly again.  Yes, it it true. Food is a way of both punishment AND pleasure for me. I have watched and lear...

I've been stuffing myself silly again.  Yes, it it true. Food is a way of both punishment AND pleasure for me. I have watched and learned of all the ways it is punishment and pain. I am currently living these results. I was not so aware of the immense pleasure that I use it for as a substitute for life, beauty and joy. And is seems to have certainly gone awry. Love and joy gone awry. I haven’t stopped eating badly. But I have added some raw foods again. I don’t want to sugarcoat (pardon the pun) my current process however; so I would like to just say a bit about how I have seen me use it as pleasure. I am bored off my fucking rocker here! I hate it here! I have been people pleasing and adjusting and complying with and for other people my entire life. Most recently - and I mean recent like the last fifteen fucking years – has been my ex.   He has just pulled another massive, violating act of control and smug arrogance on me.  I will spa...

Haven Café and Bakery Presents a Workshop:              Living Raw Foods and “The Work of Byron Katie” with Steph Campbel Thursday Evening March 31 st , 2011 6:30pm – 9:30 pm   $25 HavenCafé and Bakery 8 Franklin Street Lenox, MA 01240 We will cover: Green Smoothie recipe and      demonstration. A delicious living raw food      treat and demonstration so you can see how simple it really is. How living raw foods can      support you in your health and enhance your quality of life. Emotional eating and food      addiction. An introduction to The Work of      Byron Katie.   This class is for YOU if:   You are looking to go completely raw or simply want to add more fruits, vegetables and healthy foods to your diet.  It will be fun, easy and informative. Please R.S.V.P. if you would like t...

I should tell myself that I love myself when I find victory.  When I have succeeded and done a good job.  When I am in alignment with life, when I have been kind, honest and loyal, I should tell myelf that I love myself.  And when I have failed... when I have been sloppy, messy, unpredictable and unprepared.  When I have made a mess out of life, my mind and my relationships... I should tell my self I love myself even more. My food continues to be on track.  I have lost 55 lbs. total.  My blood sugar has been a little up and down, but still I have no diabetes.  Even when it's a little up it is not in diabetic range and I know exactly what to do to correct that.  Candida is almost gone.  PH is still lingering at about 6.5.  My heart rate resting at 76.  I am dancing again!  I move my body often.  I intend to start running again in the not too distant future.  For now I dance, walk and rebound. My EED (Egoi...

hu·man   /ˈhyumən or, often, ˈyu‐/ Show Spelled[hyoo-muhn or, often, yoo‐] Show IPA –adjective 1. of, pertaining to, characteristic of, or having the nature of people: human frailty. 2. consisting of people: the human race. 3. of or pertaining to the social aspect of people: human affairs. 4. sympathetic; humane: a warmly human understanding. –noun 5. a human being. Origin: 1350–1400; earlier humain(e) , humayn(e), ME < MF humain < L hūmānus, akin to homō human being ( cf. Homo); sp. human predominant from early 18th cent. This is it.  This is all dictionary.com says about the definintion of "human".  My Webster's II pocket dictionary says the same thing.  Hold on, I'm going to go check the Merriam-Webster Collegiate dictionary, certainly they must have a deeper meaning to this vague word... A little better... they have all the same definitions of the previous two I've listed and then this one: human: b: susceptible to or representative of the...

ob·sess/əbˈsɛs/ Show Spelled[uhb-ses] Show IPA –verb (used with object) 1. to dominate or preoccupy the thoughts, feelings, or desires of (a person); beset, trouble, or haunt persistently or abnormally: Suspicion obsessed him. What is up with the ego?  What is so difficult about being in the present moment?  Commitment to separation. 

How's that for a concept? "I am loved because of what this body looks like." "I deserve love and relationship only when this body looks thin and lean." "My complete and utter worth is based on the condition of this body." Wow. I'll say it backwards... wow. I have now been living my new lifestyle for 35 days. But whose freakin' counting? I love my new life. Even the glitches, the karma that is catching up with me. The residue of the old way of living. I even love that. It is challenging me to see things differently. I screwed up my fastlane account with all the travelling I did. I gave them the wrong credit card number and I got a notice in the mail charging me $150 to correct this. I didn't care. I smiled and thought "oh well." A couple other things have happened like this .. you know a month away, travel, things don't go so smooth when you have given up the role of making everything perfect. And I smile and think "oh...

Perfect song for my food addiction: "Yes it's over, call it a day. Sorry that we had to end this way. No reason to pretend, we knew it had to end someday this way...." It's over. I don't need it anymore. It's not because I went and did a raw living foods program... I mean that's part of it, this process certainly has helped me to understand what it means to nurture and care for this body. It' my mind that no longer needs to stuff myself silly though. It's been 25 days since I've used food as a coping mechanism. I'm talking 25 days without torture that is. Oh sure, I've white knuckled it hundreds of times in my life, no joke. But it's been 25 days of not white knuckling it.  No torture regarding food.  I've had years upon years of yo-yo dieting. Years upon years of deciding one night that I will try a new diet and feeling the absolute high of the fantasy of "getting thin".  FINALLY looking in a way that will hav...

Sunday, May 30, 2010 Day 20.... Last night here at CHI in Michigan. A bit melancholy mixed with some nerves about taking my program home. Mostly filled with gratitude and excitement. I did a concert here last night for all the people here. I did one the 6th night I was here and it was a hit. So much of a hit that I was asked to do one again. I must say both nights were amazing and lots of people showed for both. It was wonderful to watch the faces of these precious beings as they identified with my writing. I loved knowing it was a break in their day and possibly their life to be soothed by my voice. I felt purposeful. And I also noticed as I was up there singing my brains out how much I LOVE doing just that. Singing my brains out. I love singing. God do I love singing. I love singing. I love being up there with lots of people in front of me singing my very heart out to each and every one of them. I did these concerts because I love what I do. I love singing. They all gave back ...